3 years, looking back

18 06 2014

It’s been 3 years since my ectopic. I don’t know why, but this loss resonates with me so much. I’ve had many losses over the years, but some are more painful than others- and this one tops the pain charts, emotionally.

I haven’t broken down as much as I thought I would, but tomorrow is the day…and I know it’s coming. I’ve scheduled time with friends, to at least force me to leave the house, because otherwise, I’d stay in this cave.

I’m not okay, but I can pretend really well.

I’m not okay, I don’t want to talk about it, but I want people to understand that it HURTS. It still hurts so bad.

I’m not okay. and that’s okay for today.





getting serious again

6 06 2014

Three years ago this week, I publicly announced my pregnancy for the first(and only) time on facebook. I was already sick, and so we had to tell my stepkids so that we could choose when to go public. I thought the hard part was past. No. It wasn’t. We’re about to start the week of hell- starting with the day before my ultrasound when I had spotting, the day of, announcing that it was ectopic, having to still work during this week, daily blood draws and ultrasounds, and of course, the final topping on hell cake- the miscarriage starting on father’s day. Every year this time is brutal. For some reason, this year is worse than last. I don’t know why, but I’m just trying to deal and get through it. A lot of the time I can just cope with the losses- but then on days like today, everything is fresh and raw all over again feeling.

I’ve spent the last few months focusing on getting healthier. Eating better, working out more, better habits at home. It’s slowly paying off. I wish we could afford to wait to ttc until I get to my goals, but that could take forever- and then even longer to ttc. We’re waiting to do any further MA after that, but god, I hope like hell we don’t need it and can get pregnant on our own. We’re getting serious about trying again- no temping(can’t with the style of cooler we use, no control in temperature), but charting all the signs and starting OPK’s early on to track everything. We aren’t going to force it if we don’t feel it, but we are really trying to focus on this and the end result we want.

I’m hopeful that when this time next year rolls around, that it won’t be as miserable, that there will be some hope again…..

 

but then, this is me….who knows wtf will happen.





Funk

7 05 2014

I went to visit family recently. It sucked.

I’m surrounded by fertiles there. I had several new nieces and nephews to meet. I found out that more are expecting again. Once again, I was left out.

I’m alone. I don’t wish infertility on any of them, but god, I wish they weren’t SO fertile, if that makes any sense. I hate that for most of them, they have gotten pregnant within 2-3 cycles of trying each time. I wish they’d have to deal with TTC for at least 6 months so they’d understand a little bit, they’d understand that it’s not just a matter of waiting.

I’m tired. Tired of waiting, tired of being alone, tired of being told I should adopt, or pray about it, or do something. It’s not their choice. They chose to have more kids than they could handle, don’t tell me how to deal with my empty uterus. I’m tired of having weeks where I don’t want to turn on the tv, read my email, go to the store- because every single one of those things gives me yet another reminder that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are fast approaching.

Mother’s Day weekend I had my first IUI, that became an ectopic pregnancy, that I lost on Father’s Day. Last year I got a BFP on Mother’s Day, only to have that end again soon after. They aren’t happy days for me. They are days I prefer to pretend aren’t happening. DH hates them too.

I don’t know that I’m ready to start trying again yet. I don’t know that I can handle waiting another month or more to TTC. AF showed up finally a week or so ago, after almost 70 days. I guess  I have to decide soon if we will avoid, or if I’m willing to risk the heartbreak of another potential february due date.

I’m just in a funk. I don’t know how I want to proceed. I guess at some point I have to make a decision about something, because I can’t deal with another cycle like the last one since I hadn’t paid any attention.





yet another reason I hate February

2 05 2014

Sometimes in your gut, you just know. So you pee on a test, even though you know the answer. And you see two lines at 9 DPO.

Then you start freaking out. Terror. Excitement. Hope. Wariness. Fear. Joy. Nerves galore.

So the next day you pee on another test. Barely darker. Start freaking out but remind yourself that this early on you won’t see much of a difference in test lines. You keep a secret even as a friend tells you they are expecting again after a big struggle with infertility for pregnancy #1, because if you say the words, it could all end already.

And you pee again the next day, on a good test this time. Total dud. WTF??? How does a good test let you down? But the cheapy test is darker. Breathe. You can do this.

The cycle continues, another day, another peestick, another dud, but of a different style. You rant and rave, and wish your doctor would get back to you so you can get a beta.

Finally you get a new box of peesticks. A nice set of lines on a GOOD brand test.

You breathe. You cherish the few days. You tell a few people.

 

And then, once again, you regret it. Because life fucks you over one more time. One more loss. Another baby gone. Another reason to fucking hate February.





the Mr’s birthday present…

29 04 2014

In August of last year, I finally got to meet some of the girls I had been friends with online for so long. We met up in Vegas and had a BLAST walking the strip and hanging out at the pool of our hotel. It was a carefree break and so much fun. While on the trip, I began to suspect that I might just be pregnant. I had some symptoms, but I was in Vegas…I was drinking, staying up late, and exhausting myself every day, so it could be nothing. I figured I would test when I got back just to see, and just ignored it for the trip.

A few days later was the Mr’s birthday. Two nice dark lines on a FRER. I had a beta drawn and it came back decent, but not great. We stayed cautiously excited. I avoided peesticks. We hoped. Beta #2 doubled and we started to hope and believe a little more. The day of beta #3 I woke up to heavy spotting. In my gut, I knew what the answer was going to be, and it was confirmed. Beta #3 had fallen. My progesterone finally came back as low and my OB had no answers for me. It sucked.

The hardest part was telling my friends. One of them was due only a day apart from me after an IVF cycle. I was so excited for her and didn’t want to taint her pregnancy with my loss. I began to wish I hadn’t said anything at all, because I wanted to be able to not worry about every thing I said. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to go back and hide.

I still struggle with this. This loss changed a lot for me. My due date from it is rapidly approaching and I’m struggling to deal with how I feel. Seeing my friend’s sweet babies has left an ache in my heart. I adore her, I adore her babies, but it’s hard knowing that I should have that as well, right with her.





Dear AF, where the F(&* are you?

22 04 2014

I miscarried in February. I was done. I declared I didn’t want to think about TTC until summer. I wanted a few months to just LIVE without thinking about getting pregnant. We said we’d avoid, but not prevent. Based on history, I figured my cycle would be a little messed up after the loss, but didn’t think it would be too off since it was so early.

I paid zero attention to any fertility signs in the first 30 days. I wasn’t in the mood to do much anyway, and if I did..well, we’d just go with it. Again, not against getting pregnant, just not TRYING to get that way. CD35 rolled around and I started wondering if AF would show. Peed on a stick, no AF. Okay, start paying attention. CD43 rolls around, POAS again, no dice, no period. Start getting annoyed. Wear new undies. Wear light colored pants. Make plans for things where I do NOT want AF to show.

NO DICE.

WTF? Where are you, AF? I was happy to avoid you for a few weeks, but now, I’d really like my fucking body to resume somewhat normal operations.

I peed on an OPK on CD58. Not positive, but not invisible second line. Took a GOOD hpt too. Negative. OPK again on CD60. Not positive, but closer to invisible than the last.

So either:

  • I O’d somewhere around CD58 and AF will show in 10 days or I’ll get a positive HPT, because you know, we didn’t do anything to prevent within a possible time frame
  • I still haven’t O’d and in 10 days I’ll still be wondering where the fuck AF is
  • Af will mysteriously show with no warning
  • Aliens. Aliens, I tell you

I’ll keep you posted if she ever shows…





Supplements and TTC

21 04 2014

I originally wrote some of this post content almost a year ago after our third loss in 6 months naturally. I’ve edited it to update how things stand now, so if it reads weird..forgive me.

 

After this last loss, I started looking into supplements. The Mr was totally done with this rollercoaster unless we went to the RE, but I wasn’t ready to go to the RE, and after researching our local RE, was able to convince him to give me another chance. He was going to be mostly gone for a few months anyway, and a few hundred bucks for a large supply of vitamins and supplements that would last me a few months wasn’t that much out of pocket anyway compared to going back to the doctor.

I did a lot of googling. A lot. I read more message boards and obscure forums than I can count. I talked with friends with DOR and RPL, with PCOS and Endo and many other diagnosis. I had basic labs drawn to make sure that nothing was going to be a concern and picked a few specific issues to focus on:

  • egg quality- this is hard to judge without doing IVF, but there is a lot of thought out there about ways to improve egg quality for RPL
  • hormonal balance- with PCOS, my hormones are always out of whack, so I wanted to try and naturally balance them
  • immune issues- one of the biggest unknowns in regards to infertility is immune issues. this is a very new area of research so this is all just things that people are trying

I played with various dosages based on what I had found on message boards, but ultimately added a basket of supplements to the top of my dresser and took a bunch every day.

  • Ubiquinol- a specific form of CoQ10- I take Jarrow brand
  • Fish Oil- take a high quality in pure form and large quantities. Make sure it is mercury free
  • Prenatal- good quality, there are several brands, do your research
  • D3
  • Green Tea- only before O, antioxidant
  • Pomegranate
  • Zinc
  • Super B complex
  • DHA
  • Selenium
  • Melatonin 3 mg(recommend taking this at night)
  • Inositol- also take at night
  • Fertility Blend-from vitamin shoppe, also only taken through O

I took all of these per day, sometimes multiple times a day, for 6 months. During the time I also ate healthier, was exercising more, and traveled out of town more than once. In the end, I decided I couldn’t justify continuing to take all the meds since I had yet to achieve a successful pregnancy. I’m finishing out what I have of each bottle, and continuing on with some of them. I definitely felt better on all of them, but cutting my budget down allows me to save more towards IVF.

I am continuing on:

  • Prenatal
  • Ubiquinol(slightly lower dosage)
  • Fish Oil(slightly lower dosage)
  • Pomegranate
  • D3
  • B complex
  • Prenatal
  • Calcium
  • Melatonin
  • Inositol
  • Fertility Blend- only when we are actively TTC on a cycle

All in all, I’m pretty happy about this compromise. This is the second month I am not on all the supplements and I don’t feel much different, but if I do notice a difference, I’m open to changing up my routine again. I have been sleeping better, feeling more awake in the mornings, and noticed less PMS moodiness since I started this..and clearer skin too.

 

In addition to my supplements, the Mr was also on a few:

  • FertilAid(because it was easier getting him to take those than all the broken down supps)
  • Fish Oil
  • Vitamin E

He has continued to take these meds, mostly because I don’t give him a choice. It’s the least he can do to avoid paying 20K for IVF, so he takes his meds with a minimum of manwhining.

Hopefully all these will pay off in the long run and bring us a healthy baby, even if further medical intervention is required to get that.








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