Protected: summary…

11 06 2013

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

so. uhm. hi.

10 06 2013

I’m still alive. still ttc. still being shit on by the universe.

a lot has happened in the months since I last really posted. a lot has changed. I’m not sure this space is my happy place or safe space anymore.

i don’t know what to do in this space.

do I share and know that people who I don’t necessarily trust are reading it?

do I leave it be and just let it die until they forget?

do i blog behind a password?

i don’t know what to do. after 6 months away, i have things i want to say. things i want to get out before i forget. but i don’t know what to do anymore.

Why does the universe constantly shit on good people?

6 03 2013

Warning: loss mentioned. Please don’t scroll down if you can’t handle it.












Sometimes, the world just can’t catch a break.

This story starts way back in 2007 or so, when I joined a message board and found the “waiting to try to conceive” group and joined since my husband was currently gone. There I met some incredible women. As time passed by, we moved from WTTC to being WTTC grads. Some of the group welcomed their first babies, and others of us continued to try for our own. Fast forward a few years, and we moved over to Facebook, a group of 50 women strong.

One of our sweet members, Lauren, and her husband have been through so much. Multiple miscarriage, POF, a failed IVF cycle, and then last year they moved to adoption. They were matched with a birth mother, attended all her appointments, and were there when their daughter was born. 11 days later, the adoption was contested, and they had to return their daughter to her birth mother.

In a twist of fate and miracles, that same week, miraculously and naturally, they found out they were pregnant, completely unexpectedly. As time went on and the pregnancy went well, we all grew to hope that finally this family was getting their happy ending.

Lauren’s due date was this week, and on Monday, sweet baby Rhiannon was born sleeping. Their happy ending has ended in a complete nightmare. Life is just not fair.


30 12 2012

This Christmas was rough. Right after I wrote my last post, I got horribly sick. I was feeling fine on Monday, woke up on Tuesday feeling like I had a cold, and then Wednesday I woke up with a fever of 103 on meds and wanted to die. 7 hrs in the ER later, I got a diagnosis of Infl.uenza type A. Yuck.

Going over my personal history was so much fun(heavy sarcasm noted). Never before have I hated the questions of  “when was your last period” and “is there any chance you could be pregnant” so much, especially considering the fact that I was bleeding like crazy and every time I coughed it made it worse.

I don’t know where we go now. I don’t know what we can cope with anymore. We’re looking at natural meds but still planning on getting a referral done after our trip home soon.

I know this post is kind of rambling. and kind of not clearly stated. but I don’t know if I trust a certain person anymore with regards to reading my blog. and I just don’t know what I want to share publicly right now. But I don’t want everything to be password protected.


So yeah. thats where we stand. back in limbo. back to missing all our angel babies. back to feeling like life fucking sucks.

Protected: Say what?

4 12 2012

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

too many angels on my tree

4 12 2012

every year at ch.ristmas, we add new ornam.ents to our tree. ones that represent what we did that year, and milestones that have occurred. Every single pregnancy has its own ornam.ent on our tree. We have stars to represent the struggles we went through in the early years, and in the last few years have moved to adding angels for our struggles instead. We got lace angels for our two pregnancies in 2011, because they were precious, special, and unique-just like handmade lace. This year we picked out a metal angel for the pregnancy we lost in the summer, because it was a defining moment for us in our loss and journey.

today, we added a pair of ceramic angel wings to our tree.

there are too many angels on my tree. please, please, next year let me be holding a baby in my arms instead of adding more angels to our tree. I’m not sure we can handle any more. I just don’t know that we can do it.

Lock down

27 11 2012

Due to yesterday’s post, I found out someone from real life is reading this blog without my permission. I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed that this happened, and feel like my privacy has been violated. This person has violated my trust and I am so incredibly hurt right now that they felt they had the right to read my private life without asking. It is not better to ask forgiveness than permission. I can forgive them for accidentally finding the blog the way they did. I don’t know that I can forgive them(at least right now) for continuing to read once they realized it was my blog, without asking. That’s going to take some time to get over. Right now I can’t get past the fact that someone I trusted has been in my personal space. This spot was mine. My place to get my feelings and emotions out. My place to not have to censor myself, because I knew who in ‘real life’ knew about this blog and was reading it so therefore could write accordingly.

I’m not ashamed of what I have shared in the past nor would I take any of it back. However, for now, it feels right to have my old posts private. I’ll continue to blog here going forward, and someday I may unlock those old posts. Not all of my new posts will be private- some will be the way they were, others will be password protected. I will be going back and editing things to make me a little more anonymous before I reopen any old posts, and I ask that if you have been reading here for a while or know me in real life, you will please allow me to have this anonymity. I don’t want to start over at a new URL, as this one feels right for me, but I do need to protect myself for the future.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.