Journaling this journey

30 04 2011

I’ve always been a journaler…I’ve documented all my life, from little girl journals in elementary school, to detailed long journals in high school and college. I don’t even know how many journals I have locked away in my cedar chest at this point. I’ve gone back and reread some of them, and it amazes me how different things are in the years since I wrote.

Some of my favorite entries are from high school, in particular the year before and the year I met Mr. X(back when I was still really dorky, not just slightly like I am now :P). I’ve got notes from friends tucked in there, detailed dreams written out, possible baby name lists(no baby daddy picked, just names, lol!), and so much more. Inside jokes that we still find funny, a decade later, are also tops of that list. Most of all, the entries that speak of the pain of that time are still so real to me, but the pain has lessened. My parents were not divorced, not even separated, and that caused me a lot of angst. I was in high school, but also doing dual enrollment and AP classes in order to graduate with as many credits as possible. I had two jobs, and was also trying to have a life. But hilariously enough, the thing that caused me the most pain at that time, was a lack of a boyfriend(and then having a really idiotic boyfriend, who at 16 started planning our wedding and future…when we’d only been dating a few months…and yes, it was HIM planning this stuff!).

After I met Mr. X, my journal entries stayed the same in some ways, but also became more serious. I started wondering if I could live a life other than I had planned, if I could survive being a military spouse, and live against my plan. I started searching for who I really was, instead of living the life that had been expected of me since I was very young. I didn’t full out rebel, but I did start seeking my own life, rather than the one dictated to me…and I discovered that ‘the plan’ was highly overrated. I am incredibly thankful for the upbringing I had- I have two loving parents, who raised me with great morals and taught me to earn my own path in life, and to reach for the stars, because if you don’t, who can say that you won’t be able to touch them? But living the life I grew up was not for me, at least not in its entirety.

Around the time I graduated from high school, I finally had my own computer for college. I entered the era of blogging, back in the days when livejournal was the rage. I switched from paper to computer, and loved the convenience, but there was always something missing from the process. When Mr. X and I got engaged, I started a new journal, to chronicle our life together, and I wanted to write it by hand, because it seemed the traditional thing to do, and I loved it. I didn’t give up blogging, but I merged the two together, and some of my journal entries are duplicated in both formats.

The reason I have written all this is because the last few days, I have once again started a new journal. I have had a beautiful leather journal for several years now, and have done nothing more than write my name on the inside cover. I’ve been waiting for the right time to use it, nothing has felt right up to this point, but in the last few weeks, I’ve been itching to start using it. I decided to make it my ‘fertility and baby journal’, and to start by rewriting our journey up to this point, but referencing my old journal entries and condensing them for mostly information at this point, not emotions. Rereading those old entries made me realize just how far we have come. I remember how devastating that first BFN was, how difficult each procedure, each blood draw, each coo.ter cam appointment, each cycle that ended the same. Somewhere along the line I started dwelling in the negative…I lost all hope. I had to relive that time as I reread the journals, but then came the better part. Somewhere in there, I found hope and faith again. It’s not been an easy journey, but I can see just how far I have come. Now, a BFN hurts, but its just one more step on the path. A blood draw is a minor annoyance, rather than a day long drama worrying about the needles(at least I am over my needle phobia now!). I can now see that this journey has not just been about the infertility, but it has changed me as a person, and made me who I am today.

I am full of hope and faith that someday I WILL have a child of my own. I hope that it is sooner rather than later, but I’m going to persevere until I do have that dream come true.

By the way…those old condensed journal entries? They add up to FOURTEEN pages so far, and that just gets us to the beginning of the year. Maybe by the time I finish taking the clo.mid this cycle I will be caught up, lol!




One response

8 05 2011

today is my one year anniversary of starting my blog. I’ve spent some time going back and reading over old posts, and it is incredible how much i documented and how reading an old post can take me right back to that space I was in when I wrote it. I’ve always wanted to be a journaler, but never got into it for more than a few entries. There was a point in college when I wrote for a few months. This time it has been such a cathartic and empowering experience, in large part because my journal (blog) started talking back to me. It kept me coming back. I love it.

Good luck this week with the IUI. So many bfp’s as a result of IUI’s are floating around out there, may this be the month that you join them.

xoxo – Foxy

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