dragging

18 06 2011

This whole week has just dragged by. From the scan, the blood draws, etc. it just seems to be taking forever. We’re back to the perpetual wait…waiting for my HCG to zero out, waiting for bleeding, waiting to O, waiting for AF again so we can try once more.

Physically, I’m finally starting to feel less pregnant. My boobs no longer hurt, I can eat better, the bloat is mostly gone, but I’m still not feeling 100% normal physically.

Emotionally, I’m a wreck. Everyone at work knows something is wrong, even if they didn’t know I was pregnant. I’m having a really hard time faking being my usual perky self around everyone. I can fake it in front of customers, but as soon as they are gone, perkyface disappears too. I’m very glad that for most of the next week I am in the back, not out front with customers.

Mentally, this is hard to deal with. I’m not bleeding yet, so this isn’t over. I’m technically still pregnant until my beta reaches zero, at least according to my RE’s office. I seem to be surrounded with pregnant women lately.

I’m not so sure we’ll be trying immediately. I want to, but right now I don’t know if I can deal with the stress of it. I’m not coping well at all, but we’ll see how I feel when the time comes closer. I’d really like to have another chance or two to conceive again before DH leaves, but that time is running short so we’ll have to decide.

I do know this, that next time we are pregnant, my opinion will win. This time we went public really early because my husband wanted to, even though I was very uncomfortable with it because of my fear of something going wrong. I felt like the pregnancy was just odd from the start- the late bfp, the low betas that doubled quickly, the progesterone that was very iffy even on supplements, etc. It just didn’t seem like how pregnancy was supposed to go. Next time(trying to be positive here) I really don’t want to share before 12 weeks, preferably until between 16 and 20 weeks. I don’t know if we’ll make it that long, but it will at least be until after a first scan, especially since we’re at higher risk for repeat ectopic.

I’m going to try and sleep tonight. My first night I might actually get some real sleep is still over a week away. The joys of working.

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2 responses

20 06 2011
JustHeather

Many hugs and positive thoughts coming your way.

20 06 2011
Frenchie

Hi–here from LFCA…I am SO sorry for your loss. Though I am in a bit of a different situation than you, I also had an ectopic loss back in Nov. I lost my right tube in the process. I am so sorry, I know it is awful. I hope you are healing emotionally as well as physically and that your next try will be smooth and successful. xox

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