“happy face”

23 06 2011

I’m generally a happy person. I’ve gotten grief at work from people who think I am fake because I’m so happy. I love my job, I love what I do, so I don’t have to fake it usually.

Lately I’ve not been my normal self, for obvious reasons. Not everyone at work knew I was pregnant, not everyone who knew I was pregnant found out about the ectopic. It’s made for some rough days at work lately. I still put on the happy face for customers, but its a lot harder to put on the happy face for just my coworkers. I keep getting asked “what’s wrong” by a lot of people, and I don’t know how to answer it.

What’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I just found out I was pregnant after years of trying to have a baby, am dealing with a custody change of my stepkids, a pending deployment of my husband, now an ectopic loss, major medical bills from trying to have a baby and my insurance not covering anything, and to top it all off I haven’t had my house to myself for a week…

But I don’t say that. I come up with some bullshit excuse. Word is slowly making it around about the loss. One girl at work yesterday who had just found out I was pregnant asked me when I was due, and I told her about the loss. She felt so horrible and has been quietly spreading the word, since she knew I didn’t really want to talk about it. I appreciated her doing that, because I really can’t broach the subject.

I haven’t really had a chance to mourn the loss of this pregnancy. We found out on Tuesday of last week. Thursday we had our long awaited and non-changeable family photo session. Saturday became the family invasion…my parents and my inlaws have both been here over the last week and are still here for several more days, all in order to say farewell to my stepchildren before they move with their mother even farther away from family.I’ve not had a chance to deal with all this, and I don’t know when I will get to.

I love my family(including my in-laws, they are wonderful people that I have known longer than my husband, but that’s a story for another time) but sometimes they really don’t think. They don’t know all the details of how this pregnancy came to be, and never will probably. It’s none of their business if we use donor sperm, and I really don’t want their input. They’ve been saying some stuff that I would normally not even notice, but being in the state that I am in, I’m finding super offensive. I can’t really say anything because I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to talk about the loss at all(we’ve got medical people in the family and I don’t want to deal with the specifics, or hear trite things from people who’ve had losses, but have also had zero issues getting pregnant and have a large family). It’s a double edged sword.

I’m so tired of wearing my happy face. I get home from work, exhausted and ready to do nothing, and have to entertain people. I wake up and have to go to work and do my job, and I’m exhausted before I even start. I don’t have the energy to work out and none of my clothes are fitting right after six weeks or so of not working out and I’m tired of that feeling. I am so ready for some time to myself, to do absolutely nothing and deal with all this. Someday I’ll be happy again and it won’t just be my ‘happy face’, but that day is definitely not today.

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12 responses

23 06 2011
hopeauthority

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost an ivf twin pregnancy (first preg 3rd IVF) and had ovarian torsion while pregnant so I lost the only open tube I had, plus one ovary. And I wasn’t a happy face person to begin with. No one understands the loss but you. And losing your stepchildren just adds to the loss. I’m so sorry.
You may not be interested in this right now, but since you mentioned the cost issue, my RE who I blog for now as a way to “give back” to patients still on their journeys is holding a free esay fun contest thru sunday (and again in Aug) with great prizes, inclsuding a chance to win a free micro-ivf cycle. stop by if you want to enter, ICLW #118. I’d love to see you win it. Tracey

23 06 2011
Liz

Visiting from ICLW. I am so sorry about your loss. It is hard that people ask or that you have to pretend to be happy and normal. I hope you can take some time to grieve. Giving my best to you.

23 06 2011
Myinfertileconfessions

Thanks for stopping by my blog and for the nice comment 🙂

First of all, I’m soooo sorry for your loss! I can’t imagine how hard that must be, and then to not be able to grieve! Give yourself time to heal and its okay to not feel like smiling or to cry… feelings are a good thing!

23 06 2011
Pix

Oh I hate the happy face! You are dealing with so much right now, and having to hide it all makes it more painful. So sorry. But you know, sometimes loss needs to be grieved, even when it’s not convenient. Don’t wear that plastic grin for long. It’s not good for your soul. Best wishes.

Pix–
Cheese Curds and Kimchi</a

24 06 2011
Kristin

Oh honey, I’m so damned sorry you are dealing with so much all at once. It’s just not fair. {{{Hugs}}} and I hope things improve soon.

ICLW #10

24 06 2011
Foxypopcorn

Jen, you have A LOT going on right now. A LOT.
Grieving the loss of this pregnancy, saying goodbye to your stepchildren, having to entertain people in your home, and having to maintain your job… your burden is heavy right now. I do hope that you’ll be able to take some time for yourself to process all of this when things quiet down.

In the meantime, sending you lots of love. xoxo

24 06 2011
St. Elsewhere

Oh dear, you are going through a lot. I am so so so sorry about your loss.

Our ability to smile is supposed to be a vice sometimes. I am sure there is so much on your mind.

I hope the colleague will spread the word and hopefully, you won’t have any inquisitive questions.

Please take care.

iclw #36

24 06 2011
Lissie

So sorry for your loss! i can’t imagine the stress of so much family around at such a hard time. I hope things start to even out a bit for you very soon.

24 06 2011
Tina

Thanks for posting on my blog! I am so sorry to read of your ectopic. My boss asked me the other day in email what was wrong. I guess I let my happy face guard down in a department meeting *doh*

24 06 2011
Fiona

I wont pretend to empathise with what you are going through right now because I haven’t been in that situation and it would be rude of me to try to empathise. However, I am here if you need to chat. You don’t have to put on a happy face with us, you can be yourself and mourn, vent, talk, yell, or just say “hello”. We will listen ((((hugs))))

24 06 2011
Kelli

Thanks for your kind words on my blog. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Thinking healing thoughts for you.

26 06 2011
MrsB

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I hope you get to try again, and succeed before your husband deploys.

Happy ICLW!

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