Renewed

26 06 2011

I love some of my coworkers. I truly do. I was scheduled to work 9 days in a row and one of my coworkers offered to trade shifts with me so I could have a day off. I slept for 9 glorious hours last night. I feel slightly more human today, for the first time in two weeks.

The bleeding has become spotting, and I’m finally starting to feel normal physically. I’m still not feeling 100%, but I’m at about 80%, and that’s good enough for now. Emotionally, I’m still a wreck, but that’s to be expected. I still can’t talk about the loss anywhere other than here without completely collapsing into tears, so I am avoiding it, other than with Xao. Mentally…this week has been rough. I wrote about that in other posts, so I’m not even going to go there today.

Going to the beach lately has been healing. Somewhere in the chaos of RE appointments, meds, etc. I forgot to have a life this summer and I missed it. Normally my summer is full of days at the park, picnics along the river, lazy beach days, bike rides to the library, photo shoots under the local scenery, and so much more. I’ve done none of that until this last week. I’m going to make more of an effort to have a life outside of fertility treatments from now on.

We’ve been torn between buying a house and continuing to stay in the place we currently rent. We’ve got a strict budget for buying a house, and a small area to buy in. Houses tend to go on the market and be sold in less than a week in our neighborhood. We’ve been casually looking for almost 6 months now and are 99% sure we’re going to continue to rent. We’ve been advised that if we want to purchase this fall, we’d have to put all fertility treatments on hold until after we’ve bought the house, in order to secure our mortgage funding at the rate we want and such. That’s not something we are willing to do right now. So we’ll continue to rent the house we love, and just redecorate it to make it more of a home. We’re only the second or third family that has lived in this home, and it was only 2.5 years old when we rented it. We’ve been here 18 months now, and while we’ve hung pictures and such, every single wall in the entire house is builder beige. The walls are all scuffed and worn, and nothing looks fresh anymore. We’re going to at least redo the master bedroom and my office(also known as possibly the future nursery), with fresh paint and color schemes to make it feel more welcoming. I’ve been scouring pin.terest for ideas lately and have a ton I am ready to put into action.

I feel like a real human being again this week. Sleep has given me some life back. I am going to really focus on putting some balance back into my life so that if this next cycle doesn’t work out, at least I’ll have a life to fall back on.

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11 responses

26 06 2011
Kat

That was so nice of your co-worker. It’s great when people step in and help out of the blue.

Thanks for your comments on my blog. I’ve been following you for a little while now so it was nice to see you!

26 06 2011
Emms

Thanks for stopping by my blog! (ICLW 69)

I’m so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of baby dust for a sticky bean.

27 06 2011
Deborah

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss! It is great that you realized, though, that it’s important to make time to have a life outside IF. I’ve had summers where I just forgot to have summer, due to one stress or another, and as I’m sure you know, it just makes things worse. Luckily, you’ve got plenty of summer ahead of you to work on that, regardless of where IF takes you!

27 06 2011
M

Thank you for your comment on my blog. I’m so sorry for your loss.

M (ICLW #128)

27 06 2011
Rachel

It is so nice when people around you do what they can to help in hard times. My heart breaks for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

27 06 2011
missohkay

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve also been trying to seize the summer (so to speak) and enjoy some activities that I’d lost sight of. Thinking of you…

27 06 2011
Dawn Davenport

Your co-workers sound awsome. I’m so glad they stepped up when you needed it most. I am so sorry for your loss. I’m glad that you are going to live your life this summer.

Dawn
http://www.CreatingaFamily.org

28 06 2011
Annie

So sorry for your very recent loss. I know there’s nothing anyone can say or do that can really help when something this tragic happens.
Sounds like you’re doing the right thing about housing. My husband and I nearly bought a house two years ago but changed our minds last minute. If we’d gone through with it, we would not have been able to do IVF and would not be waiting for our little girl now! Wishing you healing and a rainbow in your future!

28 06 2011
Miss Feisty

Thanks for stopping by my blog ๐Ÿ™‚

IF takes such a hold of our life, that sometimes we need to step back and get back in the swing of things! (easier said than done, I know!) Enjoy your time off..the beach, your bike rides, decorating your home…all of it! ๐Ÿ™‚

28 06 2011
Justine

Thanks for stopping by my blog, and happy ICLW!

I’m so sorry to read about your loss … I don’t know how I missed it in LFCA, but know that I am sending you my thoughts. Balance is so important … but so is grieving however you need to, for however long you need to. There were some days after my losses that I felt I could be human, and some days when I just wanted to crawl back under my covers. I’m glad that you have supportive and kind colleagues who can help, and that you can pour your energy right now into making your house your home.

28 06 2011
Emby

I am glad that you are feeling better after your sleep! I am so sorry for your loss. I know you’ve been through a lot. I hope that you can get in another cycle before your husband deploys.

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