three weeks

5 07 2011

today is three weeks since that awful scan. three weeks since the day that was supposed to be joyful turned devastating. three weeks since i felt hopeful about life being ‘normal’ next year. three weeks since i felt like we had a chance of having a family of our own, together, in the next few years. three weeks since the last time i welcomed the terribly wonderful pregnancy symptoms. three weeks since i felt truly happy.

the last three weeks have been incredibly rough. the ultrasound, dealing with the doctors, the repeat betas down to zero, waiting to bleed, the physical pain of the miscarriage, the emotional pain, dealing with family in town, dealing with a custody changeover, crappy weeks at work, and more. there is no hope in me right now. i have no hope that the future cycles will work, that we’ll be able to conceive again with a sticky baby. i’m so tired of this rollercoaster. it keeps going down, and down, and down, with teensy tiny bumps up, that just make the downs worse. i’m ready for some uphill rides, ready for the sunshine to come again.

i’m moving on, but i’m not the same person. this is not the first time we’ve known loss, but i’d hoped that we’d not know loss again with this round of ma. i’m tired of loss. i’m tired of grieving for not being normal. i want to be normal. i want to have a child, with my husband, and to enjoy my family. i can put on a happy face, make plans, etc. but it is all a show at being normal, because i am not normal, at least not in the way that matters to me most.

i’m in a funk, i’ll admit it. this week is not any easier than the previous three. i can tell my body is trying to o, and i’m not even the slightest bit interested in trying to get pregnant. i’m dreading calling the RE to get clearance to go back next cycle, but i know its what i need to do. i need to do everything i can to achieve normal, aka pregnant with a sticky baby(or two). i need to fight back, to tell loss to shut up and go away, that i am not surrendering. it’s easier said than done, but it is what i have to do. i have to kick infertility in it’s ass, any way i possibly can.

{i promise i’ll try to get some positive posts up soon. but right now, all i feel is anger and sadness, and that’s what is coming out on this space, and i’m trying to be real}

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One response

6 07 2011
Knitting Vixen

Belatedly here from ICLW (see my blog for grovelling apology)…
I have no words for what I had read and have nothing to say that will make you feel better.

As you may remember, I too had an ectopic. I was devastated. I found comfort at http://www.ectopic.org.uk. Lots of people there, including “hosts” who are professional posters. I got lots of reassurance.

Allow yourself to wallow, to be angry and sad and use this blog to whinge- no need to apologise for this. That is exactly what I use my blog for and it really helps 🙂

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