It’s my birthday, so I’m throwing a pity party

23 07 2011

{warning. this post will be bitchy, whiny, and contain swearing. i will complain. if you don’t want to read it, come back sunday or monday. i might be in a better mood by then.}

today is my birthday. a few months ago, i was looking forward to my birthday this year. we’d have the kids, i’d hopefully be pregnant, etc. instead, the kids are back with their mom. i was pregnant, and now i’m dealing with the lovely shit that comes after a loss. it’s not what i expected or even hoped for in the least. everyone keeps asking me what i want for a birthday, and the only thing i want no one can just get for me.

the last 8 weeks at work have been hellacious. things went downhill the week before i found out i was pregnant. they’ve only gotten shittier since then. they keep drastically cutting our hours. i still get all mine, since i am fulltime, but because all our help has been cut, i not only have to do my job, i have to do the job of another 2 people during my shift. i’m lucky if i can get half my shit done most days because things are so bad. i’ve been there just shy of a year, and the only reason i am not actively job hunting right now is because a-i get {paid} vacation after a year at the company and b-i do not want to start a new job only a matter of months before xao deploys. i’ll actively job hunt as soon as he leaves and it doesn’t matter if i work crazy hours.

and then it seems like every.fucking.person i know is pregnant. i know y’all remember me telling you about my family member who is pregnant and due exactly two months ahead of when I was due, right? and remember k? thursday night i got a pic text from k, and before it even loaded i knew exactly what it was. she’s fucking pregnant. due exactly 2 months after when i was due. i can’t catch a damn break. so now not only do i have to deal with the loss, i have to deal with watching two different family members have babies around the same age mine was supposed to be.  i know its not guaranteed that k will will even make it out of the first tri, but she’s already been lucky enough to have excellent betas…i didn’t even get that. plus in the crafting community that i am deeply involved in, there are several people who have announced their pregnancies lately that are due right around when i was. i really don’t know if i’ll be able to cope with their pregnancies if we don’t get pregnant before xao deploys.

speaking of X deploying, the date is looming ever closer. deployments lasting only a year are a gigantic fucking joke. before they deploy, there is the insane hours of training, field exercises, briefings, equipment tests, health visits, etc. i’ve barely seen my husband since early june, and this week i get to see him for a grand total of 4 hrs, which is spectacularly shitty. i’m seriously ready for this deployment to begin. i am not looking forward to him being gone and in a scary place, but at least once the deployment actually starts there is an end in sight to all this.

i get to work all weekend for my birthday. two craptacular weekend closing shifts. i haven’t had a weekend day off since may, and an entire weekend since easter. i’m really unhappy with the work situation, especially since they told me they will not let me change my shifts to work with possible iui schedule  this cycle. it’s a really bitchtactular situation, that i can’t even go into without giving away too much of my work situation and i’m not comfortable with that, so lets just say i’d rather have daily hsg’s than go to work lately.

so, yeah. pity fucking party. what a great way to end my ‘early twenties’ and feel like shit. i really don’t expect anyone to read this entire rant, so if you did, congrats, i owe you a giant chocolate fudge brownie when i come out of this funk i’m in.

i’ll be back in a couple of days. hopefully in a better mood.

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5 responses

23 07 2011
Chickenpig

I would like to say Happy Birthday!! even if your day is craptastic. I have been where you are, time after time. I got to the point where I would just look at my husband and say “You know what I want” every year, and he would have to say “I know, besides THAT”. I hope that you are able to enjoy your birthday a little bit, even if it is just finding the time to do something for yourself, like grabbing some ice cream and watching your favorite TV show or something…anything that can cheer you up. You deserve it.

23 07 2011
Rachel

My last birthday, I could have written this post. That doesn’t mean anything because I could never know how you feel even in the slightest. I just wanted to give you all of the virtual hugs that I can muster.

24 07 2011
Jackacephalosaurus

Oh poopshins:(
Ugh..
Its your birthday, you can definitely fucking cry if you want to<3 I wish I had a magical wand (no silly, not a penis) that could make it all better for you 😦

24 07 2011
Jo

(((HUGS)))))

Hoping that next birthday is a million times better.

Hugs,
Jo

25 07 2011
JustHeather

Happy Belated Birthday! I hope your pity party was a “horribly good” one and now you’re feeling better. I’ve been exactly where you are, minus waiting for deployment. I’m sorry it is so crap-tastic right now. *hugs*
(ICLW)

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