Twas the night before Christmas

24 12 2011

And all through the house, there were no children to be found.

I feel like this is the story of my life now. Another holiday without kids. Six childless Christmases. We should have had at least two kids by now. If ittybitty had not been lost, I would have hit 34 weeks today. If maybe baby had been here, we would be announcing the gender tomorrow. Instead, the evil bitch known as Aunt Flo reared her nasty bitchy head today.

So instead of laying by the tree, rubbing my big round baby belly, I’m curled into a ball, wishing for a hysterectomy for Christmas. Instead of cocoa, I’m drinking vodka. Instead of enjoying tomorrow, I’m dreading it.

In addition to missing our angels, I’m also missing my step kids terribly. They lived with us for 18 months, and it was not an easy time, but I miss them so much. We will get to talk to them tomorrow but it is not the same.

So, I will sit by the tree tonight, and cry my eyes out for the Christmas that should have been, and drink a big mug of spiked cocoa. And tomorrow, I will put on my fake happy face and do my best to get through the day without bawling or getting drunk.

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3 responses

27 12 2011
Kristen

So sorry for your losses and all the sadness you are feeling. Christmas is such a hard time to be wishing for a child…I’m pregnant now but had many years when I wasn’t but wanted to be…I remember those feelings so well.
Hugs…

29 12 2011
amanda

Here from ICLW. Sorry to hear you are so sad during the holidays! I can relate to some of the pain you are feeling. I too would have been 39 weeks pregnant if I hadn’t lost my 1st pregnancy in June or almost 20 weeks pregnant if I hadn’t lost my 2nd in October. I hope that 2012 brings us what we want!

31 12 2011
Jackalope

If we were closer together, Id keep the booze, tissues, and hugs coming. I hate that this is how you had to spend your holiday. An if you let tears spill at christmas, or tipped the bottle a few too many times, no one better have said a single word to you…

The hugs Im mentally giving you would squeeze the pewps right out of you, theyre just that squishy. I love you, hun. Hoping with all of my might that 2012 proves to be the greatest year of your life, blessing you with my niece(s)/nepwhew(s)<3

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