Do I Dare to Dream?

23 04 2012

When Mr. X and I moved to our current location, we were looking for a home for a family. We knew that we would be having his kids come live with us, at least part time, and we had hoped that we would have a baby together during our time here. Well, we did at least have the kids with us, but no baby.

I’m starting to house hunt on our new location. We will most likely be there three years, same as our last few locations. There are so many choices, and so many questions we must answer first.

Do we dare to dream about a family home once again? Do we look for three or four bedrooms in order to have space for an office, a guest room, and a nursery? Do we find a place near a park, with a yard our children can play in and be safe? Do we find a two bedroom apartment, with just enough space for us and an office, to save every penny possible for IVF or adoption? Do we dare to hope, to dream, to wish for our dreams to be fulfilled?

I feel like even more than infertility has robbed us of a family, it has robbed us of our dreams. When we were first dating and married, we had so many dreams for the future. Not just about a family, but for our dream home, travel, vacations, jobs- and we have slowly over the years stopped talking about our dreams. We rarely travel or go on vacation because we are saving (and spending) every extra penny on fertility treatments. Our dream home has been scrapped at this point because all our ideas revolved around a large family, and at this point I’m not sure if we will even have more than two kids. I’ve not gone back to school because of dealing with fertility treatments and finances, but at this point I am okay with that because I love my current job and well, it’s become pretty close to a dream job, at least for our lifestyle currently.

I hate that we have lost our dreams, have lost faith and hope in the future. I want to get that back, but how? We have gotten better in the last few months about postponing things because of infertility, but it’s going to be a constant struggle to continue along this path. We have to teach ourselves to live with this reality, to dream again and find a balance so that we have a life and can afford to build our family, however that may be.

So I guess the ultimate question is, do I dare to dream that we might finally get our dreams to come true? Or do we live as if it’s going to be a life as two? Thank heavens we have a bit of time to make that decision.




5 responses

23 04 2012

Hello from ICLW! I struggle with that too. We have been putting off a lot in the last 18 months because we were supposed to be pregnant (so we obviously couldn’t take a safari, I probably shouldn’t buy those new jeans, and we definitely need to save money for daycare costs). But I am not pregnant, but now need to save money for fertility treatments instead of daycare. It’s a weird life.

23 04 2012

I feel the same as you. I’m constantly waiting and putting things off b/c I always think “well what if I am pregnant, or what if I have a doc appt…what if… what if…what if”. Such an unfair struggle to have to go through. Looking forward to reading more of your blog!

24 04 2012

Nerf darts? Seriously, nerf darts? Maybe it’s that same plasticy/rubbery thing my feline goes for!

It is so difficult balancing living in the now and planning for the future- especially when something as difficult as repeated loss and infertility robs you of any certainty or degree of predictability. There are no right answers when it comes to those decisions- either way you’re living in a home waiting to be filled, or in one that doesn’t fit the future you want.

So many hugs… I wish you didn’t have to go through this.

24 04 2012

Hi from ICLW, thanks for stopping by. I hate what this journey takes away from us.

26 04 2012

“We have to teach ourselves to live with this reality, to dream again and find a balance so that we have a life and can afford to build our family, however that may be.”

You hit the nail on the head there. Well said.

I am sorry that you are struggling with all of these questions and how to live in the midst and depths of infertility. It just sucks. There is no way around it.

Being “on the other side” now (though we are never truly free from what infertility takes from us) I appreciate so much more everything we went through to get where we are today. I admire your effort to do the best that you can with the cards you have been dealt. I know its cliche, but its all we can do when our lives do play out the way we hoped, wished and dreamed they could or would.

Hang in there!

Thank you for visiting my blog and for your kind words.


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