Looking Back: The Calendar Day I Want To Skip

29 05 2012

I know I’ve got some other posts going on right now, but I want to take a look back at where we have been and how far we have come in the last years. This series of posts is going to be ongoing for quite some time. Most of this is for my own memory keeping, but I’m putting it out on my public blog  because it just might interest someone else.

 

Today, is Tuesday. May 29th. The last Tuesday in May. and a day I could forever be content to skip, or sleep through.

You see, today should have been my due date with the pregnancy that we lost on our anniversary.

A year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Itty Bitty. And instead of that day being filled with joy, I was terrified. I think I knew all along that there was something wrong with the pregnancy, but I didn’t want to believe it.

A year later, I’m stuck in the same place. Cycling, not a mom, and struggling. But at the same time, I’m in a better place. A year ago, I wasn’t sure my husband even wanted more kids, or if he was just agreeing to this since I wanted it so much. In the last year, I’ve seen him mourn the losses we have had, encourage me to cycle again when I am ready, and just prove to me that he truly wants to have more kids. Just last week, when I was a sobbing mess over the fact that I only had one follicle and hated myself for being a bucket of tears, he reminded me that it only takes one, and that we know for next time that I have a horrible time on that drug. I said I didn’t want there to be a next time, that I wanted this to work, and he said “But we wanted 3 or 4 kids, right? So we’re going to have to do this again at some point.” That only made me cry harder, but at least I had good reason this time. This time, it was because I KNEW that even if we only end up with one baby this time, I’ll get a chance to be a mom of 2 or more, because he wants this as much as me.

3 years ago, we’d just been dealt the final blow about TTC on our own, and I wasn’t sure our marriage would make it. 3 years later, we’re stronger than ever, and I know we can make it through anything after the struggles we have dealt with. 3 years from now, hopefully we will have welcome at least one little one into our home, and aren’t stuck in this limbo anymore.

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