silence

9 08 2012

I’ve been quiet over the last 6 weeks. I needed some time to mentally recharge and get my brain going again.

Week 1- hanging out with friends and spending time walking with my friend who was trying to evict her twins.

week 2- 4th of july, and cuddling said friend’s newborn twins.

weeks 3 and 4- vacation in another state. it was nice to go ‘home’ but sucked. everyone was paired off except me. everyone wanted to know when we were going to have kids(most people only know about the ectopic last year and none of our other struggles).

week 5- moping and struggling to cope post vacation.

week 6- starting to find my groove again and get a life once more.

I’ve lost 6 lbs in 6 weeks. it’s not a lot, but hey, a lb is a lb. at this rate, I’ll hit goal #1 at Christmas, lol. We’re 6 weeks or so out from our big cross country move, and I’m nervous but ready for it to happen.

Today I got a sweet facebook message from my friend…let’s call her DingDong(she reads here and will appreciate the irony behind the name). DingDong was letting me know that she’s pregnant..and not just barely pregnant, but almost half baked. She’d found out right as I was starting to cycle this spring, and had held off telling me because of how things went. We’ve talked for years about being pregnant together….and so far have been 4 times, but I’ve just never made it far enough to celebrate it with her.

I am thrilled for DingDong and her family. THRILLED. I’m a little sad, and a little jealous, but the first emotion that came to my mind was pure joy for her. I love this girl to death- she’s been through a lot with me and has been one of my biggest supporters, and I know she’d give just about anything for it to be me pregnant right now and her TTC. My second thought…what to nickname this baby food wise. Long story, but her firstborn is forever going to be nachobaby. Her other two kiddos have their own food nicknames as well. And this little PRINCESS(yes, she FINALLY gets her girl after 3 boys) needs a fun little name of her own.

I just hope next year, I get to be pregnant with Princess’s future best friend, and Nachobaby’s future wife. But even if it takes years, I know DingDong will be there for me, and she’ll be screaming and over the moon when I finally get to hold my own little one.

I’m in a good place mentally right now. It’s not solid, but I finally feel like I’ve waded to the surface of all the shit that has happened in the last year. There’s some perspective, some anger, some peace. I wish I was happier, but I think it’s going to take time. And sadly, I’ve got time to give it.

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One response

10 08 2012
Fartknockanonymous

I dont know this “dingdong”, but Im pretty sure you made her cry while reading this. She loves you something fierce. An Im pretty sure that since you guys probably wont get to be pregnant together (since after 4, shes throwing in that towel) but when that magical, fantastical, sensationally awesomedippysauce, and so very long awaited pregnancy happens for you, she’ll be coming to see you. You wont both have little parasites, but she’ll be getting to talk to your uterine inhabitant and telling it/them how its/their mother is a dirty nacho hoarder. But lovely and also fantastical<3 She'll also have gifts.

I wish more than anything that I could take away your hurt and sadness, love. More than anything. It plain and simple wrecks my heart watching you have to suffer so much before your big moment comes. Im lame, but Ill always be here whenever you should need me. I love you long time, Sally. Your friend does too.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

And youre dang skippy a pound is a pound! Rock on wit cho bad self.

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