adrift

14 11 2012

I feel like I am lost at sea.

Since my last real post, we’ve had some major, major life changes. A huge move, a career change, and some major drama. We don’t know how long we’ll be living where we are, whats going on with the careers, and when the drama will be resolved. And until we have answers to all 3 of those, we can’t even talk about TTCMA again. Oh, not to mention, thanks to the move our mail was on hold for a month and still hasn’t all caught up to us. Something that was mailed to me 4 days before we moved just arrived in today’s mail…6.5 weeks later.

This year is so much worse for the holidays so far. Last year we at least had our friends nearby, but we know no one at our new location. I’m eating my feelings every day and I know I shouldn’t but its so much easier to eat my fucking feelings than deal with them. and I’m too damn tired to deal with them.  I have no friends here. none. everyone has kids. my ‘friend’ who had the IF twins back where we used to live just asked me to help her finish her babies birth book. god, it brought back so many emotions. I was two weeks post miscarriage when they were born. I was supposed to have a one month old baby when they were born.
I’ve had to stop reading updates on anyone who had babies or cycled with me and got pregnant. it’s too raw.

hope is fucking useless. i want a baby. now. i want to have a baby the normal way. you know, put on sexy lingerie, seduce my husband, pee on a stick two weeks later, pop a kid out 8 months later…none of this spend a fortune, have biweekly visits with wandy cam, get stabbed with needles, undergo uncomfortable procedures, get blood drawn forty times, get a positive test, wait for everything to go to shit life.

where the fuck am i left? when is it my fucking turn? why is everyone but me fucking getting pregnant? why doesn’t my fucking insurance cover this? why is there no real fucking reason that is clear as to why my babies are dead and i am left here alone???? where are my so-called friends, who after 5 years haven’t noticed that i share no real details with them? who mostly didn’t even notice that i said nothing about cycling this summer? or have mentioned recovering from a miscarriage and not even noticed? and why the fuck is my body so damn screwed that i had 3 weeks of spotting and bleeding this last cycle? and no, it wasn’t a fucking miracle pregnancy and loss, i peed on a stick and wasted that money because as expected it was a bffn as usual.

i really don’t even know why i bother posting here most of the time. no one reads. no one comments. i might as well take it private and invite the two people who do actually comment and read. no one wants to read this shit and hear that things fucking suck.

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8 responses

14 11 2012
Elizabeth

I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. It’s really just not fair and that’s all there is to it. Thinking of you.

14 11 2012
Elizabeth

Oh my gosh! I was just thinking about you and the comment I wrote and I realize that it may have come across really horribly. When I saw “it’s really just not fair and that’s all there is to it,” I don’t mean “it’s just not fair so get over it.” It mean, “it’s not fair and it TOTALLY SUCKS!”
Anyway, I hate that this is happening to you and I just really hope that what I wrote before didn’t come across as insensitive.
It’s totally horrible that your IRL friends haven’t been there for you. I’m so sorry. 😦

14 11 2012
jen

oh, I totally understood what you meant! don’t worry!

15 11 2012
Jessica

I so wish that what we talked about yesterday was possible! You know I would do anything for you! If it was in my power I would have you be prego NOW!!! You are continuously in my prayers!

15 11 2012
frozenorangejuice

Oh Jen I’m so sorry. It sucks, it really does. And it’s okay to say that it sucks and rant and yell and throw a good ol’ temper tantrum if you need to. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better but I know I can’t, because the only thing that will make it better is a full term pregnancy. *hugs*

15 11 2012
Mrs. Wuestewald

Some times it’s nice to hear others have rants, makes me feel saine!

15 11 2012
Jen

I don’t have words but I can feel your pain in your words! I wish I could hug you!

4 12 2012
JarkArse

Clearly I suck and failed at checking here the past few weeks, but I love you. I wish I could have made it so you never have to feel like this….life can be so fucking cruel sometimes..

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