Not so alone

16 11 2012

Last night after I posted about grieving the loss of my internet friends, I decided that before I wrote them off completely, I needed to be honest and tell them everything I was thinking.

It took me nearly an hour to write a post in our secret fa.cebook group. I was bawling the entire time and making myself physically ill with emotion from it all. I posted it and almost instantly regretted it, but I decided I would let it stand and not read responses until morning. And then I was planning on leaving the group, since I’d finally told them how alone and  out of place I felt.

But it turns out, I’m not alone. So many women finally found the courage to speak up and admit that they felt left out. That they too felt neglected. I realized it wasn’t just me- and because I had retreated and been chicken for so long about admitting this, so many others were also left to feel the same way. I’ve been crying all morning reading the responses to my thread, and several others that were also posted. People that I thought didn’t like me have posted with responses I didn’t expect. Women I had written off have told me how much I am valued and loved.

I don’t know that I can believe it. I don’t know if I believe all their answers. It sucks to say that, especially since i know a few of them read here, but this is my space and the one space where I won’t censor myself. I’ve spent so long feeling on the outside that I can’t just belong instantly again. So many of them claim that they don’t know what to say in regards to TTC and loss posts other than *hugs* or something along those lines, but they don’t realize that saying nothing is the worst. I’d rather an insensitive comment be made than nothing said, because it at least means they cared enough to say something. Hell, a *hugs* or *prayers* or something along the lines is sometimes all I want or need. It’s nice to be acknowledged that we are hurting, that people are thinking about us. Anything is better than nothing.

I still don’t know where I stand with the group. Last night I was firmly one foot out the door and the second in the air. This morning, I’m still one foot out the door..but the second is tentatively back on the ground. They are making an effort today. If things continue, well, maybe I’ll be one foot back solidly in the group. I’m giving them (and me) a second chance to see if we can fix things, because I don’t want to lose this many years of friendship if we can fix things. Do I regret not saying something sooner? No. It was finally the right timing for me to admit how I feel, and to make these things known. It’s like an early Fest.ivus celebration where we can all finally air our grievances.

I’m hoping this holiday season is one of healing. I really do. I just can’t have hope anymore, whether its in relation to TTC, friendship, sucky job situations, or that my husband will get me what I really want for Christ.mas. After this many years, I just can’t anymore. It is what it is.

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2 responses

16 11 2012
Elizabeth

I’m so glad you found more of a community than you thought! Good for you for stepping out of your comfort zone to share how you really feel! That really takes courage. And I 100% agree with this statement- “I’d rather an insensitive comment be made than nothing said, because it at least means they cared enough to say something. Hell, a *hugs* or *prayers* or something along the lines is sometimes all I want or need.”
I’m hoping and praying you do find some great healing over the holidays. What you’ve been going through is HARD, SO HARD! And your strength is amazing and I’m hoping you continue to find more support and help along the way!

4 12 2012
JarkArse

I hate how badly if all affected you, but so proud of you at the same time. You really are an amazing and strong soul. Not the ‘strong because you have no other choice’, but the beautiful ‘strong’ that comes forth even when its not demanded of you. I hope things can get better for you with at least those that you were closest to<3

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