Say what?

4 12 2012

This post was written over a week or so.

(monday night)
This has been an extremely strange couple of months, reproductive wise.

Late September AF showed up(the day we moved, actually) and was horrendous. Like, change the ta.mpon and p.ad every hour bad. End of October, I started spotting. and spotting. and spotting. AF finally showed on November 1 but lasted forever(10 days of heavy bleeding but hardly any cramping).

I started feeling weird at the beginning of Tha.nksg.iving week, figured it was the flu or something from all the stress we had going on, but just ignored it. By the day after turkey day, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I wasn’t getting sicker, just feeling off still- water was giving me hea.rtburn, etc. I felt like I have when I was pre.gnant, but considering the odds of us conceiving on our own are less than my odds of winning the lottery, I just assumed it was all in my head. I started looking for my stash of pee sticks so I could follow rule #1 of infertility: As soon as an IFer pees on an expensive stick, their symptoms disappear along with the BFN and AF shows up moments later. I couldn’t find any, so I picked up a box of store brand tests when running errands that Sat.urday. I just peed on one as soon as I got home, since I was following rule #1.
But this happened:

To say I was in disbelief is the understatement of the century. I hate blue dye tests and hadn’t realized I had picked them up, so I turned to my best IFer friends for their opinions. Lots of yelling at me ensued, and assurances that not only could THEY see a line…their HUSBANDS could see the lines. Man eyes could see the lines. (please note in all this that I DID tell my husband about this, but he doesn’t believe it unless the lines jump off the tests and hit him in the face). I snuck out Sunday and got real tests and peed on one that morning. I couldn’t see a line but when I uploaded the pic, my girls did see one. and so I looked again. and yes, there was a squinter. holy fucking shit….is this for real? The blue dye showed the same line as the day before so I wasn’t sure if they could be trusted..and after all these years of using the good tests, I swear I can see lines on them before they are peed on.

And then Monday…no squinting required. Showed up easily within the time limit. Uhm. WTF????

To say I am shocked is insane. I am beyond flabbergasted. I’m pregnant??? With no medical intervention???? It’s been years since this happened. The only thing I was taking was a prenatal vitamin, nothing fancy like I have taken in years before. I don’t have a doctor in this town. I’ve not even requested my medical records yet. I have no idea when I ovulated for sure, just a best guess based on when we DTD and when I had CM..but I have no idea for sure. The last 6-8 weeks have been so chaotic that I barely managed to track that much. With that said, I feel very pregnant. My symptoms are all here. Water is only my friend at ice cold. My boobs are incredibly painful and already fuller. I am nauseous and starving at the same time. I was dizzy for  most of the morning today. I don’t know how long this will last. I just know I am trying to cherish it for as long as it lasts. I’m going to keep testing until I get a positive digi and then try to step away.

Needless to say, I am keeping this super super quiet. Not going public. Not going on message boards. Nothing. Not until I have a first scan.I’m such a fucking cliche right now. I stopped trying, I quit paying attention, and we ended up fucking pregnant. I have told 3 people other than my husband, and I don’t intend to share it with more ‘real life’ people until Christmas or New Years. Best guess is I am due around 6 August. Please baby bean, stick. We want this miracle so badly.

(tuesday)
a positive digi? oh crap, this is feeling real. can I keep my mouth shut?

(Wednesday)
i’m cramping and spotting. this isn’t going to end well. why the fuck did I hope.

(update tuesday)

A few days after I started this post, my tests started getting lighter and went negative, and finally, I started miscarrying. To say we are devastated is inadequate. Why were we given this miracle for such a short time?  Why did we not get to keep this baby here with us? This pregnancy was conceived against all odds. what does this mean for us now?

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3 responses

5 12 2012
Jack

Ive done nothing but think of you lately, and now….I have no words. Nothing. I can only muster “I love you” and cry for you. “Im sorry” isnt even close to being enough…

6 12 2012
Jessica

Oh I am so sorry! That does suck a whole lot! Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you!!

31 12 2012
Elizabeth

Oh my goodness! Sorry I’m just now getting to this post! I am so, so, so sorry for this. I can’t imagine how sad you are, especially considering your most recent post about being sick. 😦 I’m just so so sorry and I don’t understand this at all. 😦 Thoughts for you…

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