the Mr’s birthday present…

29 04 2014

In August of last year, I finally got to meet some of the girls I had been friends with online for so long. We met up in Vegas and had a BLAST walking the strip and hanging out at the pool of our hotel. It was a carefree break and so much fun. While on the trip, I began to suspect that I might just be pregnant. I had some symptoms, but I was in Vegas…I was drinking, staying up late, and exhausting myself every day, so it could be nothing. I figured I would test when I got back just to see, and just ignored it for the trip.

A few days later was the Mr’s birthday. Two nice dark lines on a FRER. I had a beta drawn and it came back decent, but not great. We stayed cautiously excited. I avoided peesticks. We hoped. Beta #2 doubled and we started to hope and believe a little more. The day of beta #3 I woke up to heavy spotting. In my gut, I knew what the answer was going to be, and it was confirmed. Beta #3 had fallen. My progesterone finally came back as low and my OB had no answers for me. It sucked.

The hardest part was telling my friends. One of them was due only a day apart from me after an IVF cycle. I was so excited for her and didn’t want to taint her pregnancy with my loss. I began to wish I hadn’t said anything at all, because I wanted to be able to not worry about every thing I said. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to go back and hide.

I still struggle with this. This loss changed a lot for me. My due date from it is rapidly approaching and I’m struggling to deal with how I feel. Seeing my friend’s sweet babies has left an ache in my heart. I adore her, I adore her babies, but it’s hard knowing that I should have that as well, right with her.

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One response

30 04 2014
snowbaby

I’m sorry to be reading this 😦 Sending you ((((hugs)))) as the edd approaches xx

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