Funk

7 05 2014

I went to visit family recently. It sucked.

I’m surrounded by fertiles there. I had several new nieces and nephews to meet. I found out that more are expecting again. Once again, I was left out.

I’m alone. I don’t wish infertility on any of them, but god, I wish they weren’t SO fertile, if that makes any sense. I hate that for most of them, they have gotten pregnant within 2-3 cycles of trying each time. I wish they’d have to deal with TTC for at least 6 months so they’d understand a little bit, they’d understand that it’s not just a matter of waiting.

I’m tired. Tired of waiting, tired of being alone, tired of being told I should adopt, or pray about it, or do something. It’s not their choice. They chose to have more kids than they could handle, don’t tell me how to deal with my empty uterus. I’m tired of having weeks where I don’t want to turn on the tv, read my email, go to the store- because every single one of those things gives me yet another reminder that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are fast approaching.

Mother’s Day weekend I had my first IUI, that became an ectopic pregnancy, that I lost on Father’s Day. Last year I got a BFP on Mother’s Day, only to have that end again soon after. They aren’t happy days for me. They are days I prefer to pretend aren’t happening. DH hates them too.

I don’t know that I’m ready to start trying again yet. I don’t know that I can handle waiting another month or more to TTC. AF showed up finally a week or so ago, after almost 70 days. I guess  I have to decide soon if we will avoid, or if I’m willing to risk the heartbreak of another potential february due date.

I’m just in a funk. I don’t know how I want to proceed. I guess at some point I have to make a decision about something, because I can’t deal with another cycle like the last one since I hadn’t paid any attention.

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