3 years, looking back

18 06 2014

It’s been 3 years since my ectopic. I don’t know why, but this loss resonates with me so much. I’ve had many losses over the years, but some are more painful than others- and this one tops the pain charts, emotionally.

I haven’t broken down as much as I thought I would, but tomorrow is the day…and I know it’s coming. I’ve scheduled time with friends, to at least force me to leave the house, because otherwise, I’d stay in this cave.

I’m not okay, but I can pretend really well.

I’m not okay, I don’t want to talk about it, but I want people to understand that it HURTS. It still hurts so bad.

I’m not okay. and that’s okay for today.




2 responses

18 06 2014

I completely understand this. I have a friend who had multiple (in the double figures) pregnancy losses, and yet she said that the one ectopic amongst that group was the toughest one to deal with. I had two ectopics (but no other losses), and agree that the anniversaries can be very difficult. After all, an ectopic is a big deal – we came face to face with our own mortality, we lost a baby we wanted, we had concerns about (or maybe it affected) our ability to conceive again in the future, and we had (probably) emergency medical or surgical intervention. And anniversaries remind us of all that – and it’s hard to forget, with reminders about the time of year, the weather, what we were doing at the time, etc. And anticipation of the day makes us go over and over what happened. Yes, it hurts. I hear you.

I’m glad you’re going to be around friends. Be gentle with yourself today. Don’t expect too much. Because it is natural that it hurts. You’re allowed to hurt. You don’t have to pretend all day. Sending hugs.

20 06 2014

I love you. And my brain(and heart) is hugging the heck out of yours.

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