3 years, looking back

18 06 2014

It’s been 3 years since my ectopic. I don’t know why, but this loss resonates with me so much. I’ve had many losses over the years, but some are more painful than others- and this one tops the pain charts, emotionally.

I haven’t broken down as much as I thought I would, but tomorrow is the day…and I know it’s coming. I’ve scheduled time with friends, to at least force me to leave the house, because otherwise, I’d stay in this cave.

I’m not okay, but I can pretend really well.

I’m not okay, I don’t want to talk about it, but I want people to understand that it HURTS. It still hurts so bad.

I’m not okay. and that’s okay for today.

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getting serious again

6 06 2014

Three years ago this week, I publicly announced my pregnancy for the first(and only) time on facebook. I was already sick, and so we had to tell my stepkids so that we could choose when to go public. I thought the hard part was past. No. It wasn’t. We’re about to start the week of hell- starting with the day before my ultrasound when I had spotting, the day of, announcing that it was ectopic, having to still work during this week, daily blood draws and ultrasounds, and of course, the final topping on hell cake- the miscarriage starting on father’s day. Every year this time is brutal. For some reason, this year is worse than last. I don’t know why, but I’m just trying to deal and get through it. A lot of the time I can just cope with the losses- but then on days like today, everything is fresh and raw all over again feeling.

I’ve spent the last few months focusing on getting healthier. Eating better, working out more, better habits at home. It’s slowly paying off. I wish we could afford to wait to ttc until I get to my goals, but that could take forever- and then even longer to ttc. We’re waiting to do any further MA after that, but god, I hope like hell we don’t need it and can get pregnant on our own. We’re getting serious about trying again- no temping(can’t with the style of cooler we use, no control in temperature), but charting all the signs and starting OPK’s early on to track everything. We aren’t going to force it if we don’t feel it, but we are really trying to focus on this and the end result we want.

I’m hopeful that when this time next year rolls around, that it won’t be as miserable, that there will be some hope again…..

 

but then, this is me….who knows wtf will happen.





Why does the universe constantly shit on good people?

6 03 2013

Warning: loss mentioned. Please don’t scroll down if you can’t handle it.

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Sometimes, the world just can’t catch a break.

This story starts way back in 2007 or so, when I joined a message board and found the “waiting to try to conceive” group and joined since my husband was currently gone. There I met some incredible women. As time passed by, we moved from WTTC to being WTTC grads. Some of the group welcomed their first babies, and others of us continued to try for our own. Fast forward a few years, and we moved over to Facebook, a group of 50 women strong.

One of our sweet members, Lauren, and her husband have been through so much. Multiple miscarriage, POF, a failed IVF cycle, and then last year they moved to adoption. They were matched with a birth mother, attended all her appointments, and were there when their daughter was born. 11 days later, the adoption was contested, and they had to return their daughter to her birth mother.

In a twist of fate and miracles, that same week, miraculously and naturally, they found out they were pregnant, completely unexpectedly. As time went on and the pregnancy went well, we all grew to hope that finally this family was getting their happy ending.

Lauren’s due date was this week, and on Monday, sweet baby Rhiannon was born sleeping. Their happy ending has ended in a complete nightmare. Life is just not fair.





Coping….

30 12 2012

This Christmas was rough. Right after I wrote my last post, I got horribly sick. I was feeling fine on Monday, woke up on Tuesday feeling like I had a cold, and then Wednesday I woke up with a fever of 103 on meds and wanted to die. 7 hrs in the ER later, I got a diagnosis of Infl.uenza type A. Yuck.

Going over my personal history was so much fun(heavy sarcasm noted). Never before have I hated the questions of  “when was your last period” and “is there any chance you could be pregnant” so much, especially considering the fact that I was bleeding like crazy and every time I coughed it made it worse.

I don’t know where we go now. I don’t know what we can cope with anymore. We’re looking at natural meds but still planning on getting a referral done after our trip home soon.

I know this post is kind of rambling. and kind of not clearly stated. but I don’t know if I trust a certain person anymore with regards to reading my blog. and I just don’t know what I want to share publicly right now. But I don’t want everything to be password protected.

 

So yeah. thats where we stand. back in limbo. back to missing all our angel babies. back to feeling like life fucking sucks.





too many angels on my tree

4 12 2012

every year at ch.ristmas, we add new ornam.ents to our tree. ones that represent what we did that year, and milestones that have occurred. Every single pregnancy has its own ornam.ent on our tree. We have stars to represent the struggles we went through in the early years, and in the last few years have moved to adding angels for our struggles instead. We got lace angels for our two pregnancies in 2011, because they were precious, special, and unique-just like handmade lace. This year we picked out a metal angel for the pregnancy we lost in the summer, because it was a defining moment for us in our loss and journey.

today, we added a pair of ceramic angel wings to our tree.

there are too many angels on my tree. please, please, next year let me be holding a baby in my arms instead of adding more angels to our tree. I’m not sure we can handle any more. I just don’t know that we can do it.





Not so alone

16 11 2012

Last night after I posted about grieving the loss of my internet friends, I decided that before I wrote them off completely, I needed to be honest and tell them everything I was thinking.

It took me nearly an hour to write a post in our secret fa.cebook group. I was bawling the entire time and making myself physically ill with emotion from it all. I posted it and almost instantly regretted it, but I decided I would let it stand and not read responses until morning. And then I was planning on leaving the group, since I’d finally told them how alone and  out of place I felt.

But it turns out, I’m not alone. So many women finally found the courage to speak up and admit that they felt left out. That they too felt neglected. I realized it wasn’t just me- and because I had retreated and been chicken for so long about admitting this, so many others were also left to feel the same way. I’ve been crying all morning reading the responses to my thread, and several others that were also posted. People that I thought didn’t like me have posted with responses I didn’t expect. Women I had written off have told me how much I am valued and loved.

I don’t know that I can believe it. I don’t know if I believe all their answers. It sucks to say that, especially since i know a few of them read here, but this is my space and the one space where I won’t censor myself. I’ve spent so long feeling on the outside that I can’t just belong instantly again. So many of them claim that they don’t know what to say in regards to TTC and loss posts other than *hugs* or something along those lines, but they don’t realize that saying nothing is the worst. I’d rather an insensitive comment be made than nothing said, because it at least means they cared enough to say something. Hell, a *hugs* or *prayers* or something along the lines is sometimes all I want or need. It’s nice to be acknowledged that we are hurting, that people are thinking about us. Anything is better than nothing.

I still don’t know where I stand with the group. Last night I was firmly one foot out the door and the second in the air. This morning, I’m still one foot out the door..but the second is tentatively back on the ground. They are making an effort today. If things continue, well, maybe I’ll be one foot back solidly in the group. I’m giving them (and me) a second chance to see if we can fix things, because I don’t want to lose this many years of friendship if we can fix things. Do I regret not saying something sooner? No. It was finally the right timing for me to admit how I feel, and to make these things known. It’s like an early Fest.ivus celebration where we can all finally air our grievances.

I’m hoping this holiday season is one of healing. I really do. I just can’t have hope anymore, whether its in relation to TTC, friendship, sucky job situations, or that my husband will get me what I really want for Christ.mas. After this many years, I just can’t anymore. It is what it is.





I am grieving someone

15 11 2012

We live in a technological generation. Obviously so, since you are reading this blog. We google every symptom, blog our rants and raves, search for treatment options online, ask on message boards for advice and support. Most of us have never met in person. We hide behind our online identities. I am not ashamed of my infertility, but it’s not all my story to share. My husband isn’t comfortable with everything being public knowledge, nor do I want everything shared with everyone, so here we sit, in our semi anonymity, and find those that are in similar boats.

I was on a blog reading spree and found a bunch of quotes and songs that stuck with me. The biggest one was this:

I am grieving someone I haven’t even met yet.

Some of us in the ALI community have met the babies we dream of, but the majority of us are still waiting to meet the babies that will make our dreams come true. We are mostly surrounded by people who can’t at all understand what we are dealing with, who are SAFP(Smug Annoying Fertile People), or even worse- former IF’ers who have forgotten what this world is like. We are connected online via this invisible thread, and cling to each other for the support we all so desperately need. We may never have seen a picture of each other, but we know intimate details of each others lives. We give each other hope, and a virtual shoulder to cry on when things are bad. We are there for each other- even though we have never met.

I’ve reconnected more with some old friends, and found solace and comfort with someone IRL who understands just how awful this is.I’m choosing to cherish the friendships I have made online through this difficult journey, because they have helped teach me even more so what a friend truly is and how they behave. I am grieving the loss of some online friendships that have perished because people have forgotten that everyone has value outside of being a mother, and that people need to hear that. I am grieving the loss of dreams, and finding new ones to try and grasp on to as life unfolds.

I guess after yesterday’s post that more people are reading this blog than I thought. If you are reading this, please leave a comment on this post with your blog link, if nothing more, so that I can follow you and offer you some support as well. if you don’t have a blog, even just a comment with a name(fake or real) will help me get to know you, and know that there are people out there who can understand.