3 years, looking back

18 06 2014

It’s been 3 years since my ectopic. I don’t know why, but this loss resonates with me so much. I’ve had many losses over the years, but some are more painful than others- and this one tops the pain charts, emotionally.

I haven’t broken down as much as I thought I would, but tomorrow is the day…and I know it’s coming. I’ve scheduled time with friends, to at least force me to leave the house, because otherwise, I’d stay in this cave.

I’m not okay, but I can pretend really well.

I’m not okay, I don’t want to talk about it, but I want people to understand that it HURTS. It still hurts so bad.

I’m not okay. and that’s okay for today.


getting serious again

6 06 2014

Three years ago this week, I publicly announced my pregnancy for the first(and only) time on facebook. I was already sick, and so we had to tell my stepkids so that we could choose when to go public. I thought the hard part was past. No. It wasn’t. We’re about to start the week of hell- starting with the day before my ultrasound when I had spotting, the day of, announcing that it was ectopic, having to still work during this week, daily blood draws and ultrasounds, and of course, the final topping on hell cake- the miscarriage starting on father’s day. Every year this time is brutal. For some reason, this year is worse than last. I don’t know why, but I’m just trying to deal and get through it. A lot of the time I can just cope with the losses- but then on days like today, everything is fresh and raw all over again feeling.

I’ve spent the last few months focusing on getting healthier. Eating better, working out more, better habits at home. It’s slowly paying off. I wish we could afford to wait to ttc until I get to my goals, but that could take forever- and then even longer to ttc. We’re waiting to do any further MA after that, but god, I hope like hell we don’t need it and can get pregnant on our own. We’re getting serious about trying again- no temping(can’t with the style of cooler we use, no control in temperature), but charting all the signs and starting OPK’s early on to track everything. We aren’t going to force it if we don’t feel it, but we are really trying to focus on this and the end result we want.

I’m hopeful that when this time next year rolls around, that it won’t be as miserable, that there will be some hope again…..


but then, this is me….who knows wtf will happen.

Looking Back: The Calendar Day I Want To Skip

29 05 2012

I know I’ve got some other posts going on right now, but I want to take a look back at where we have been and how far we have come in the last years. This series of posts is going to be ongoing for quite some time. Most of this is for my own memory keeping, but I’m putting it out on my public blog  because it just might interest someone else.


Today, is Tuesday. May 29th. The last Tuesday in May. and a day I could forever be content to skip, or sleep through.

You see, today should have been my due date with the pregnancy that we lost on our anniversary.

A year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Itty Bitty. And instead of that day being filled with joy, I was terrified. I think I knew all along that there was something wrong with the pregnancy, but I didn’t want to believe it.

A year later, I’m stuck in the same place. Cycling, not a mom, and struggling. But at the same time, I’m in a better place. A year ago, I wasn’t sure my husband even wanted more kids, or if he was just agreeing to this since I wanted it so much. In the last year, I’ve seen him mourn the losses we have had, encourage me to cycle again when I am ready, and just prove to me that he truly wants to have more kids. Just last week, when I was a sobbing mess over the fact that I only had one follicle and hated myself for being a bucket of tears, he reminded me that it only takes one, and that we know for next time that I have a horrible time on that drug. I said I didn’t want there to be a next time, that I wanted this to work, and he said “But we wanted 3 or 4 kids, right? So we’re going to have to do this again at some point.” That only made me cry harder, but at least I had good reason this time. This time, it was because I KNEW that even if we only end up with one baby this time, I’ll get a chance to be a mom of 2 or more, because he wants this as much as me.

3 years ago, we’d just been dealt the final blow about TTC on our own, and I wasn’t sure our marriage would make it. 3 years later, we’re stronger than ever, and I know we can make it through anything after the struggles we have dealt with. 3 years from now, hopefully we will have welcome at least one little one into our home, and aren’t stuck in this limbo anymore.

Looking back: 1 year ago, 2 years, 3 years, and more

8 05 2012

I know I’ve got some other posts going on right now, but I want to take a look back at where we have been and how far we have come in the last years. This series of posts is going to be ongoing for quite some time. Most of this is for my own memory keeping, but I’m putting it out on my public blog  because it just might interest someone else.

A year ago today, was Mother’s Day. Not just Mother’s Day, but also my first follicle scan on our first donor cycle. I was terrified. I knew how my body had reacted 3 years before and since it hadn’t worked the same now, what did that mean for me? Little did I know, one of those 3 follicles would turn out to be our IttyBitty. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year.

Two years ago, we were in the adjustment phase with my stepchildren living with us. Things were brutal, and I was questioning whether we would even get to move on to the next step of MA in the next 5 years.

Three years ago, we were excited and terrified and uncertain. A lot of things were up in the air for us, and we’d been dealt the blow from our local doctor that we had to do IVF to have biological children.

Four years ago, I was in the midst of my second clomid cycle ever, and the first to actually work. I had 6 follicles and my doctor still triggered me, which shocks me now, but at the time I had no idea. I was so hopeful that cycle was going to work.

Five years ago, I was trying to figure out WTF what was going on with my body. It had been almost 3 months since I had seen AF, and I had strange pains down near my pelvis. I had no idea what was to come the next month for me(massive ruptured cysts and finally a diagnosis).


Looking back, I can’t believe it’s only been 5 years since we really started this journey. I was so naive then in the ways of TTC. I never thought we’d get pregnant and have a baby right off the bat, but I never could have imagined that this many years later we’d still be childless. I’ve come so far in coping with that too. Two and three years ago, I was so angry and depressed about our situation, almost all the time. I remember crying myself to sleep for months on end because I was so upset. I wallowed in my pain and anger, and let it consume me and my life. I’m still angry, and I still have my moments, but I’ve learned to deal with them better, and I know now that even without children we still have a wonderful life.