getting serious again

6 06 2014

Three years ago this week, I publicly announced my pregnancy for the first(and only) time on facebook. I was already sick, and so we had to tell my stepkids so that we could choose when to go public. I thought the hard part was past. No. It wasn’t. We’re about to start the week of hell- starting with the day before my ultrasound when I had spotting, the day of, announcing that it was ectopic, having to still work during this week, daily blood draws and ultrasounds, and of course, the final topping on hell cake- the miscarriage starting on father’s day. Every year this time is brutal. For some reason, this year is worse than last. I don’t know why, but I’m just trying to deal and get through it. A lot of the time I can just cope with the losses- but then on days like today, everything is fresh and raw all over again feeling.

I’ve spent the last few months focusing on getting healthier. Eating better, working out more, better habits at home. It’s slowly paying off. I wish we could afford to wait to ttc until I get to my goals, but that could take forever- and then even longer to ttc. We’re waiting to do any further MA after that, but god, I hope like hell we don’t need it and can get pregnant on our own. We’re getting serious about trying again- no temping(can’t with the style of cooler we use, no control in temperature), but charting all the signs and starting OPK’s early on to track everything. We aren’t going to force it if we don’t feel it, but we are really trying to focus on this and the end result we want.

I’m hopeful that when this time next year rolls around, that it won’t be as miserable, that there will be some hope again…..


but then, this is me….who knows wtf will happen.


yet another reason I hate February

2 05 2014

Sometimes in your gut, you just know. So you pee on a test, even though you know the answer. And you see two lines at 9 DPO.

Then you start freaking out. Terror. Excitement. Hope. Wariness. Fear. Joy. Nerves galore.

So the next day you pee on another test. Barely darker. Start freaking out but remind yourself that this early on you won’t see much of a difference in test lines. You keep a secret even as a friend tells you they are expecting again after a big struggle with infertility for pregnancy #1, because if you say the words, it could all end already.

And you pee again the next day, on a good test this time. Total dud. WTF??? How does a good test let you down? But the cheapy test is darker. Breathe. You can do this.

The cycle continues, another day, another peestick, another dud, but of a different style. You rant and rave, and wish your doctor would get back to you so you can get a beta.

Finally you get a new box of peesticks. A nice set of lines on a GOOD brand test.

You breathe. You cherish the few days. You tell a few people.


And then, once again, you regret it. Because life fucks you over one more time. One more loss. Another baby gone. Another reason to fucking hate February.

the Mr’s birthday present…

29 04 2014

In August of last year, I finally got to meet some of the girls I had been friends with online for so long. We met up in Vegas and had a BLAST walking the strip and hanging out at the pool of our hotel. It was a carefree break and so much fun. While on the trip, I began to suspect that I might just be pregnant. I had some symptoms, but I was in Vegas…I was drinking, staying up late, and exhausting myself every day, so it could be nothing. I figured I would test when I got back just to see, and just ignored it for the trip.

A few days later was the Mr’s birthday. Two nice dark lines on a FRER. I had a beta drawn and it came back decent, but not great. We stayed cautiously excited. I avoided peesticks. We hoped. Beta #2 doubled and we started to hope and believe a little more. The day of beta #3 I woke up to heavy spotting. In my gut, I knew what the answer was going to be, and it was confirmed. Beta #3 had fallen. My progesterone finally came back as low and my OB had no answers for me. It sucked.

The hardest part was telling my friends. One of them was due only a day apart from me after an IVF cycle. I was so excited for her and didn’t want to taint her pregnancy with my loss. I began to wish I hadn’t said anything at all, because I wanted to be able to not worry about every thing I said. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to go back and hide.

I still struggle with this. This loss changed a lot for me. My due date from it is rapidly approaching and I’m struggling to deal with how I feel. Seeing my friend’s sweet babies has left an ache in my heart. I adore her, I adore her babies, but it’s hard knowing that I should have that as well, right with her.


11 06 2013

<a summary of the past 6 months, because I don’t feel like publishing all 50+ posts I have in draft form as password protected.>

In December, I had just miscarried after a shocking natural bfp. While I was miscarrying, I got the flu, horrifically. I spent almost 3 weeks miserable in bed after meds and everything, just completely exhausted. Influenza is no joke.

We knew we wanted to ttc again but weren’t going to really try anything. no opk’s, nada…just pretending we were naive and innocent people. We figured come spring we’d try again and hope for a late fall due date. We went home to visit in january for a few weeks and since we were staying with family, didn’t really have much of a chance to dtd much less think about ttc. We got back to where we live supe.rbowl weekend and I tested just so that I could have a few drinks without worry. It was positive. 3 weeks later I miscarried again, days before my pren.atal appointment. and then that weekend my friend lost her sweet baby that I posted about.

Needless to say I was a completely and emotional wreck. As much as I desperately wanted to be pregnant and have a baby, emotionally I was in a place where I just could  not handle the thought of TTC. We avoided for my march cycle and then DH convinced me to try again in April. However my body was beyond fucked up with stress and hormones, so it took forever for me to O. I wasn’t even sure if I had ever O’d and was thinking it would be an anovulatory cycle.

Nope. Mother’s Day brought a faint BFP. The next day it was darker. One beta was good..the second not so good. I miscarried less than a week later. At that point DH said enough. We either had to be done TTC naturally or I had to be willing to go back to the RE. I can’t be done, so I guess we are heading back to the RE.

However, I’m not willing to do IUI’s right now. I just can’t spend that kind of money for now. I’d love it if they’d give me meds to ovulate, a trigger shot, and progesterone, and tell me to come in for bloodwork and monitoring. Let me do what I want please…but I’m not hopeful. I think we’ll start in July..just depends on when we can get in to the RE.


30 12 2012

This Christmas was rough. Right after I wrote my last post, I got horribly sick. I was feeling fine on Monday, woke up on Tuesday feeling like I had a cold, and then Wednesday I woke up with a fever of 103 on meds and wanted to die. 7 hrs in the ER later, I got a diagnosis of Infl.uenza type A. Yuck.

Going over my personal history was so much fun(heavy sarcasm noted). Never before have I hated the questions of  “when was your last period” and “is there any chance you could be pregnant” so much, especially considering the fact that I was bleeding like crazy and every time I coughed it made it worse.

I don’t know where we go now. I don’t know what we can cope with anymore. We’re looking at natural meds but still planning on getting a referral done after our trip home soon.

I know this post is kind of rambling. and kind of not clearly stated. but I don’t know if I trust a certain person anymore with regards to reading my blog. and I just don’t know what I want to share publicly right now. But I don’t want everything to be password protected.


So yeah. thats where we stand. back in limbo. back to missing all our angel babies. back to feeling like life fucking sucks.

too many angels on my tree

4 12 2012

every year at ch.ristmas, we add new ornam.ents to our tree. ones that represent what we did that year, and milestones that have occurred. Every single pregnancy has its own ornam.ent on our tree. We have stars to represent the struggles we went through in the early years, and in the last few years have moved to adding angels for our struggles instead. We got lace angels for our two pregnancies in 2011, because they were precious, special, and unique-just like handmade lace. This year we picked out a metal angel for the pregnancy we lost in the summer, because it was a defining moment for us in our loss and journey.

today, we added a pair of ceramic angel wings to our tree.

there are too many angels on my tree. please, please, next year let me be holding a baby in my arms instead of adding more angels to our tree. I’m not sure we can handle any more. I just don’t know that we can do it.


14 11 2012

I feel like I am lost at sea.

Since my last real post, we’ve had some major, major life changes. A huge move, a career change, and some major drama. We don’t know how long we’ll be living where we are, whats going on with the careers, and when the drama will be resolved. And until we have answers to all 3 of those, we can’t even talk about TTCMA again. Oh, not to mention, thanks to the move our mail was on hold for a month and still hasn’t all caught up to us. Something that was mailed to me 4 days before we moved just arrived in today’s mail…6.5 weeks later.

This year is so much worse for the holidays so far. Last year we at least had our friends nearby, but we know no one at our new location. I’m eating my feelings every day and I know I shouldn’t but its so much easier to eat my fucking feelings than deal with them. and I’m too damn tired to deal with them.  I have no friends here. none. everyone has kids. my ‘friend’ who had the IF twins back where we used to live just asked me to help her finish her babies birth book. god, it brought back so many emotions. I was two weeks post miscarriage when they were born. I was supposed to have a one month old baby when they were born.
I’ve had to stop reading updates on anyone who had babies or cycled with me and got pregnant. it’s too raw.

hope is fucking useless. i want a baby. now. i want to have a baby the normal way. you know, put on sexy lingerie, seduce my husband, pee on a stick two weeks later, pop a kid out 8 months later…none of this spend a fortune, have biweekly visits with wandy cam, get stabbed with needles, undergo uncomfortable procedures, get blood drawn forty times, get a positive test, wait for everything to go to shit life.

where the fuck am i left? when is it my fucking turn? why is everyone but me fucking getting pregnant? why doesn’t my fucking insurance cover this? why is there no real fucking reason that is clear as to why my babies are dead and i am left here alone???? where are my so-called friends, who after 5 years haven’t noticed that i share no real details with them? who mostly didn’t even notice that i said nothing about cycling this summer? or have mentioned recovering from a miscarriage and not even noticed? and why the fuck is my body so damn screwed that i had 3 weeks of spotting and bleeding this last cycle? and no, it wasn’t a fucking miracle pregnancy and loss, i peed on a stick and wasted that money because as expected it was a bffn as usual.

i really don’t even know why i bother posting here most of the time. no one reads. no one comments. i might as well take it private and invite the two people who do actually comment and read. no one wants to read this shit and hear that things fucking suck.