summary…

11 06 2013

<a summary of the past 6 months, because I don’t feel like publishing all 50+ posts I have in draft form as password protected.>

In December, I had just miscarried after a shocking natural bfp. While I was miscarrying, I got the flu, horrifically. I spent almost 3 weeks miserable in bed after meds and everything, just completely exhausted. Influenza is no joke.

We knew we wanted to ttc again but weren’t going to really try anything. no opk’s, nada…just pretending we were naive and innocent people. We figured come spring we’d try again and hope for a late fall due date. We went home to visit in january for a few weeks and since we were staying with family, didn’t really have much of a chance to dtd much less think about ttc. We got back to where we live supe.rbowl weekend and I tested just so that I could have a few drinks without worry. It was positive. 3 weeks later I miscarried again, days before my pren.atal appointment. and then that weekend my friend lost her sweet baby that I posted about.

Needless to say I was a completely and emotional wreck. As much as I desperately wanted to be pregnant and have a baby, emotionally I was in a place where I just could  not handle the thought of TTC. We avoided for my march cycle and then DH convinced me to try again in April. However my body was beyond fucked up with stress and hormones, so it took forever for me to O. I wasn’t even sure if I had ever O’d and was thinking it would be an anovulatory cycle.

Nope. Mother’s Day brought a faint BFP. The next day it was darker. One beta was good..the second not so good. I miscarried less than a week later. At that point DH said enough. We either had to be done TTC naturally or I had to be willing to go back to the RE. I can’t be done, so I guess we are heading back to the RE.

However, I’m not willing to do IUI’s right now. I just can’t spend that kind of money for now. I’d love it if they’d give me meds to ovulate, a trigger shot, and progesterone, and tell me to come in for bloodwork and monitoring. Let me do what I want please…but I’m not hopeful. I think we’ll start in July..just depends on when we can get in to the RE.





silence

9 08 2012

I’ve been quiet over the last 6 weeks. I needed some time to mentally recharge and get my brain going again.

Week 1- hanging out with friends and spending time walking with my friend who was trying to evict her twins.

week 2- 4th of july, and cuddling said friend’s newborn twins.

weeks 3 and 4- vacation in another state. it was nice to go ‘home’ but sucked. everyone was paired off except me. everyone wanted to know when we were going to have kids(most people only know about the ectopic last year and none of our other struggles).

week 5- moping and struggling to cope post vacation.

week 6- starting to find my groove again and get a life once more.

I’ve lost 6 lbs in 6 weeks. it’s not a lot, but hey, a lb is a lb. at this rate, I’ll hit goal #1 at Christmas, lol. We’re 6 weeks or so out from our big cross country move, and I’m nervous but ready for it to happen.

Today I got a sweet facebook message from my friend…let’s call her DingDong(she reads here and will appreciate the irony behind the name). DingDong was letting me know that she’s pregnant..and not just barely pregnant, but almost half baked. She’d found out right as I was starting to cycle this spring, and had held off telling me because of how things went. We’ve talked for years about being pregnant together….and so far have been 4 times, but I’ve just never made it far enough to celebrate it with her.

I am thrilled for DingDong and her family. THRILLED. I’m a little sad, and a little jealous, but the first emotion that came to my mind was pure joy for her. I love this girl to death- she’s been through a lot with me and has been one of my biggest supporters, and I know she’d give just about anything for it to be me pregnant right now and her TTC. My second thought…what to nickname this baby food wise. Long story, but her firstborn is forever going to be nachobaby. Her other two kiddos have their own food nicknames as well. And this little PRINCESS(yes, she FINALLY gets her girl after 3 boys) needs a fun little name of her own.

I just hope next year, I get to be pregnant with Princess’s future best friend, and Nachobaby’s future wife. But even if it takes years, I know DingDong will be there for me, and she’ll be screaming and over the moon when I finally get to hold my own little one.

I’m in a good place mentally right now. It’s not solid, but I finally feel like I’ve waded to the surface of all the shit that has happened in the last year. There’s some perspective, some anger, some peace. I wish I was happier, but I think it’s going to take time. And sadly, I’ve got time to give it.





Angry

1 06 2012

(this post has been written and edited several times over the last few years, over different blogs and even private journals. however, it still fits and here is the latest incarnation of it. please note that these are my experiences, and not necessarily facts in every case. your case should be discussed with your doctor.)

I am so angry at our situation that I cannot even begin to express my feelings properly. I’m angry that we can’t just TTC like normal people thanks to the fact that my husband had a vasectomy years ago, and the reversal was not very successful.

Long story short- X and his girlfriend found out his senior year of high school that she was pregnant.  They got married, and moved into his parents basement after he graduated. Shortly after, their first child was born. 5 months later, X joined the military, wanting what was best for his family. Right after he finished basic training and technical schooling, his wife found out she was pregnant again. Their second was born just shy of two years after their first. X was 20, his wife 19. She was done, and when the baby was 5 months old, told X that he needed to get a vasectomy or their marriage was over because she didn’t want any more children. What makes me angriest in this story is what comes next- A worried X, trying to save his marriage, went and saw his doctor. Two days later, he had a vasectomy done at TWENTY years old. With no counseling. No warnings about the odds of reversals being successful. NADA.

There’s a lot more that happens in there, but a year later, after coming home from deployment, his marriage was completely over. Even more happened after that, but the kicker is this. You see, stupid ex has now had another child. She was able to go on and have more kids at 23, because she hadn’t gotten fixed.

X eventually met me, and since we wanted to have kids together, had his vasectomy reversed. Our surgeon let us know that due to the time that had passed since his initial surgery and the type that had been done(not just clips, but cut, burn, and clips), our odds of the surgery being successful were slim. Even if it did succeed, we’d be looking at 18 months or so before things scarred back over. We went ahead with the surgery knowing the odds, but hoping for once we’d be lucky.

Obviously, we’ve not been so lucky. We had a few good months of great counts post surgery, and then dismal ever since. Things have not scarred completely back over, but they are bad enough that every RE has told us they’d do TESE if we do IVF to get sperm. Other than that, our only option would be to try a second reversal, going straight to the testes and bypassing the originally cut completely, but the odds are not likely for it to work very well.We haven’t talked closely to a urologist about this in a while since we decided to go the donor sperm route.

This isn’t the only story I’ve heard in our years in the military about doctors who hand out vasectomys like bandaids. I’ve heard of so many that allow patients to have them done with no counseling, at a young age and without good reason. Our local military facility has recently adopted the rule of 30 years of age or 3+ children, along with two counseling sessions required for the procedure to take place. I’m glad that these guidelines are finally being put in place so that someone else might be spared going through what we have had to deal with.

Some words of advice for those who are considering a vasectomy with the thought of a possible reversal someday:

Vasectomy is a very easy surgery. You’ll be tender for a few days, and have a few followups to ensure your count is clear, but that’s it. A reversal is MUCH more intense. 4 weeks of no sex, usually 1-2 weeks out of work, several followups to ensure your count is back, and a potential time factor. The closer to the initial procedure the reversal is done, the better the odds of success. After 5 years, your odds start to go down drastically. Post reversal, there can be scarring that forms that is painful and requires further surgeries as well. Antibodies can form, causing further complications, and the quality can have gone down due to lack of functionality over the years.

If you think you are done, but are not 1000% sure, get an IUD, use condoms, use BCP, anything other than having surgery performed with the option of reversing it years later. Most insurance companies will NOT cover the reversal, so that is an additional expense to consider, and they can get quite pricy. I really strongly recommend doing something temporary for at least one year, if not two to five years to be SURE you are done before you take that final step, because it seems like more and more people are regretting this decision each year.





Looking Back: The Calendar Day I Want To Skip

29 05 2012

I know I’ve got some other posts going on right now, but I want to take a look back at where we have been and how far we have come in the last years. This series of posts is going to be ongoing for quite some time. Most of this is for my own memory keeping, but I’m putting it out on my public blog  because it just might interest someone else.

 

Today, is Tuesday. May 29th. The last Tuesday in May. and a day I could forever be content to skip, or sleep through.

You see, today should have been my due date with the pregnancy that we lost on our anniversary.

A year ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Itty Bitty. And instead of that day being filled with joy, I was terrified. I think I knew all along that there was something wrong with the pregnancy, but I didn’t want to believe it.

A year later, I’m stuck in the same place. Cycling, not a mom, and struggling. But at the same time, I’m in a better place. A year ago, I wasn’t sure my husband even wanted more kids, or if he was just agreeing to this since I wanted it so much. In the last year, I’ve seen him mourn the losses we have had, encourage me to cycle again when I am ready, and just prove to me that he truly wants to have more kids. Just last week, when I was a sobbing mess over the fact that I only had one follicle and hated myself for being a bucket of tears, he reminded me that it only takes one, and that we know for next time that I have a horrible time on that drug. I said I didn’t want there to be a next time, that I wanted this to work, and he said “But we wanted 3 or 4 kids, right? So we’re going to have to do this again at some point.” That only made me cry harder, but at least I had good reason this time. This time, it was because I KNEW that even if we only end up with one baby this time, I’ll get a chance to be a mom of 2 or more, because he wants this as much as me.

3 years ago, we’d just been dealt the final blow about TTC on our own, and I wasn’t sure our marriage would make it. 3 years later, we’re stronger than ever, and I know we can make it through anything after the struggles we have dealt with. 3 years from now, hopefully we will have welcome at least one little one into our home, and aren’t stuck in this limbo anymore.





Can’t catch a break

21 09 2011

today’s beta came in at 20. monday’s beta was 23. they are 99% sure this is a chemical pregnancy. repeat beta on friday to ensure that the levels go down.

beyond that, waiting to talk to the RE. not sure if we will get to try again this year or if it will be a 2 year wait. not sure we want to try again.





Hello there. you might want to read this post.

17 09 2011

Yes, I know I have been strangely silent this cycle. I just felt like I needed to take this cycle off from blogging, to just focus on my life and pretend the cycle wasn’t happening. It worked though…I got my BFP yesterday at 10 DPO!

To recap this cycle since my last post:

Follie scan on 9/4:
two good follies, both on the left ovary, measuring only 1 mm apart. Trigger that night. Immediately start using i.c’s to test out the trigger. First test was positive less than 20 minutes after trigger shot.

IUI 9/6:
I get into the office and doc has a student with him. doc asks if I mind if student does a quick ultr.asound as practice and sets me up for the IUI. sure, why not. Both follies were at over 20 mm! It was a pain getting the cath through my cer.vix as usual, but once it got in there no problems. Count was even higher than last time. lay there for 20 minutes, get up, and go to work. Feel very strong ovulation pains about 2 hrs later. Excellent timing.

Every day since then through 9 DPO/11DPT:
Test using IC’s to watch the trigger go away. Finally see a negative on 9DPO/11DPT.

10 DPO/12DPT:
test using IC, because I have enough of them to pee on every day and still not run out before my beta. HOly shit, there’s a second line…..use the FR.ER….omg omg there is a line too! Pregnant! Barely manage to keep my mouth shut until I can tell xao in person that night.

today(11 DPO/13DPT):
tested again. another set of two lines. they are still light, but today’s is a bit darker than yesterdays. I don’t expect much this early.

My gut instinct told me on 4 DPO that this was it, that I was pregnant. I started feeling it shortly after that. I would have been beyond stunned to not get a positive this cycle. I’ll be doing betas next week, and after betas will get a scan date booked.

I’m 3 weeks 4 days today, due 29 May!

 





thoughts.

17 06 2011

I’m finally ready to put my thoughts about the last week’s(well, really two months) experiences at my RE’s clinic into a post. This is not an easy post to write, but a very necessary one.

There are two RE’s at my clinic: Dr. Europe(my RE), and Dr. Doom(the RE who started the clinic). Dr. Europe is young, at most 40. He’s been at the clinic just about a year now, and came fresh fellowships and trainings at some top notch programs across Europe and the East Coast USA. He’s become quickly known as the specialist for the area in microsurgery and PCOS. Dr. Doom is older, probably getting close to ‘retirement age’. I know there are pictures in the clinic of babies that are now high school grads, so that gives you some perspective on his age. He’s very well trained, but is highly conservative and tends to go with the ‘by-the-book’ treatments only.

I love Dr. Europe. Every experience with him has been excellent. He’s called me personally every time something has come up(back before we found out about the pregnancy when there was the bleeding, after we found out about the pregnancy, and twice this week with lab results) and is willing to try new techniques. He’s extremely thorough and kind. He pushed to get early morning hours added to the clinic, and Sunday hours-before he started, the clinic was only open 8 am-4pm M-Th, and 8 am-12pm F-Sa. He’s pushing now to get some late night hours added at least once a week, because he knows that most of us can’t get there during the current hours easily and wants to be able to work around work schedules more. The biggest thing for me is he listens to me as a patient, and is glad I’ve done my research.

Dr. Doom…as far as I can tell, pretty much no one likes Dr. Doom. He’s loud, harsh, and refuses to try any of the newer treatment options. When we went in for my first follie scan, I was concerned about scheduling my followup around work. He told me that we should just cancel the cycle now if this wasn’t more important than work to me. Not to mention, every single time I go in and have to see him, he treats me like a child. The absolute worst was when we were sitting in the waiting room on Tuesday after the devastating scan, waiting for my bloodwork results to come back, and through the closed door we can hear Dr. Doom clearly talking to EACH of his patients about their treatment and followup in the checkout room. Dr. Europe came up to get my results, and was updating Dr. Doom(the only reason I even knew that Dr. Europe was there was I had seen him through the check-in window) as to the situation and we could HEAR Dr. Doom plainly talking about my case and bashing me. (this is not just my experience. I have several other friends that have been seen or are currently being seen at this office and no one has had a single positive experience with this doctor)

I am torn as to stay at my clinic or not. This is the ONLY RE’s office within a 3 hr drive, basically, and the only one covered by my insurance. I’m not too concerned about insurance coverage since my insurance covers none of my treatment anyway. I love Dr. Europe and wish I never had to deal with Dr. Doom. I mostly only have to deal with him during weekend appointments anyway, and I might be able to avoid those once we start cycling again anyway. I’m not sure what to do about Dr. Doom…I want to report him for privacy violations(definitely not appropriate for him to talk about my case and let the entire waiting room know what is going on), but I don’t want to jeopardize my treatment at the clinic. Any advice as to how to approach this? I will be talking to Dr. Europe at my followup consult about this, and my desire to avoid Dr. Doom if at all possible.