I didn’t mean to disappear…

27 07 2017

3 years since I blogged. Whoa. I hadn’t intended to stay away so long. Since my last post, we moved cross country twice. We are no longer dealing with military health providers and are seeing civilian doctors.

Most importantly, we are moving forward. It’s time. This week was my birthday. I’m done waiting. We are starting the IVF process. It could still be another 6 months before we cycle, but finally, we are making forward progress.  We’ve picked a clinic based on recommendations, but I haven’t actually met with doctors yet. One step at a time. One more step, and eventually we will get there.

I don’t know how much I will blog. I do want this journey documented, but I tend to use my private instagram account more these days. We will see.


getting serious again

6 06 2014

Three years ago this week, I publicly announced my pregnancy for the first(and only) time on facebook. I was already sick, and so we had to tell my stepkids so that we could choose when to go public. I thought the hard part was past. No. It wasn’t. We’re about to start the week of hell- starting with the day before my ultrasound when I had spotting, the day of, announcing that it was ectopic, having to still work during this week, daily blood draws and ultrasounds, and of course, the final topping on hell cake- the miscarriage starting on father’s day. Every year this time is brutal. For some reason, this year is worse than last. I don’t know why, but I’m just trying to deal and get through it. A lot of the time I can just cope with the losses- but then on days like today, everything is fresh and raw all over again feeling.

I’ve spent the last few months focusing on getting healthier. Eating better, working out more, better habits at home. It’s slowly paying off. I wish we could afford to wait to ttc until I get to my goals, but that could take forever- and then even longer to ttc. We’re waiting to do any further MA after that, but god, I hope like hell we don’t need it and can get pregnant on our own. We’re getting serious about trying again- no temping(can’t with the style of cooler we use, no control in temperature), but charting all the signs and starting OPK’s early on to track everything. We aren’t going to force it if we don’t feel it, but we are really trying to focus on this and the end result we want.

I’m hopeful that when this time next year rolls around, that it won’t be as miserable, that there will be some hope again…..


but then, this is me….who knows wtf will happen.


7 05 2014

I went to visit family recently. It sucked.

I’m surrounded by fertiles there. I had several new nieces and nephews to meet. I found out that more are expecting again. Once again, I was left out.

I’m alone. I don’t wish infertility on any of them, but god, I wish they weren’t SO fertile, if that makes any sense. I hate that for most of them, they have gotten pregnant within 2-3 cycles of trying each time. I wish they’d have to deal with TTC for at least 6 months so they’d understand a little bit, they’d understand that it’s not just a matter of waiting.

I’m tired. Tired of waiting, tired of being alone, tired of being told I should adopt, or pray about it, or do something. It’s not their choice. They chose to have more kids than they could handle, don’t tell me how to deal with my empty uterus. I’m tired of having weeks where I don’t want to turn on the tv, read my email, go to the store- because every single one of those things gives me yet another reminder that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are fast approaching.

Mother’s Day weekend I had my first IUI, that became an ectopic pregnancy, that I lost on Father’s Day. Last year I got a BFP on Mother’s Day, only to have that end again soon after. They aren’t happy days for me. They are days I prefer to pretend aren’t happening. DH hates them too.

I don’t know that I’m ready to start trying again yet. I don’t know that I can handle waiting another month or more to TTC. AF showed up finally a week or so ago, after almost 70 days. I guess  I have to decide soon if we will avoid, or if I’m willing to risk the heartbreak of another potential february due date.

I’m just in a funk. I don’t know how I want to proceed. I guess at some point I have to make a decision about something, because I can’t deal with another cycle like the last one since I hadn’t paid any attention.

Dear AF, where the F(&* are you?

22 04 2014

I miscarried in February. I was done. I declared I didn’t want to think about TTC until summer. I wanted a few months to just LIVE without thinking about getting pregnant. We said we’d avoid, but not prevent. Based on history, I figured my cycle would be a little messed up after the loss, but didn’t think it would be too off since it was so early.

I paid zero attention to any fertility signs in the first 30 days. I wasn’t in the mood to do much anyway, and if I did..well, we’d just go with it. Again, not against getting pregnant, just not TRYING to get that way. CD35 rolled around and I started wondering if AF would show. Peed on a stick, no AF. Okay, start paying attention. CD43 rolls around, POAS again, no dice, no period. Start getting annoyed. Wear new undies. Wear light colored pants. Make plans for things where I do NOT want AF to show.


WTF? Where are you, AF? I was happy to avoid you for a few weeks, but now, I’d really like my fucking body to resume somewhat normal operations.

I peed on an OPK on CD58. Not positive, but not invisible second line. Took a GOOD hpt too. Negative. OPK again on CD60. Not positive, but closer to invisible than the last.

So either:

  • I O’d somewhere around CD58 and AF will show in 10 days or I’ll get a positive HPT, because you know, we didn’t do anything to prevent within a possible time frame
  • I still haven’t O’d and in 10 days I’ll still be wondering where the fuck AF is
  • Af will mysteriously show with no warning
  • Aliens. Aliens, I tell you

I’ll keep you posted if she ever shows…

Emerging from the silence

20 04 2014

Hi. it’s been a long time.

I’ve had things I wanted to say here, but I wasn’t ready to say them.

Life has had some rollercoasters. People I thought were friends proved to be the ones I should have stayed furthest away from. Those I was wary of were the ones I connected most with. People found this blog that I didn’t want reading it.

It kept me from using my voice to share my story.

It left me feeling alone.

But the desire to come back has been strong.

I’m not hiding.

I’m staying private, but this is ME. This is my space. If you don’t like what I say here, then you shouldn’t be here.

Things are going to be intermittent as I tell the stories I want to tell, as I share the things that have happened in the last year.

My voice wants to be heard. My babies need their stories told, however short it is.

And I need some place where I belong, and that is here, as part of this community.

I’m back. Deal with it.

so. uhm. hi.

10 06 2013

I’m still alive. still ttc. still being shit on by the universe.

a lot has happened in the months since I last really posted. a lot has changed. I’m not sure this space is my happy place or safe space anymore.

i don’t know what to do in this space.

do I share and know that people who I don’t necessarily trust are reading it?

do I leave it be and just let it die until they forget?

do i blog behind a password?

i don’t know what to do. after 6 months away, i have things i want to say. things i want to get out before i forget. but i don’t know what to do anymore.

Say what?

4 12 2012

This post was written over a week or so.

(monday night)
This has been an extremely strange couple of months, reproductive wise.

Late September AF showed up(the day we moved, actually) and was horrendous. Like, change the ta.mpon and p.ad every hour bad. End of October, I started spotting. and spotting. and spotting. AF finally showed on November 1 but lasted forever(10 days of heavy bleeding but hardly any cramping).

I started feeling weird at the beginning of Tha.nksg.iving week, figured it was the flu or something from all the stress we had going on, but just ignored it. By the day after turkey day, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I wasn’t getting sicker, just feeling off still- water was giving me hea.rtburn, etc. I felt like I have when I was pre.gnant, but considering the odds of us conceiving on our own are less than my odds of winning the lottery, I just assumed it was all in my head. I started looking for my stash of pee sticks so I could follow rule #1 of infertility: As soon as an IFer pees on an expensive stick, their symptoms disappear along with the BFN and AF shows up moments later. I couldn’t find any, so I picked up a box of store brand tests when running errands that Sat.urday. I just peed on one as soon as I got home, since I was following rule #1.
But this happened:

To say I was in disbelief is the understatement of the century. I hate blue dye tests and hadn’t realized I had picked them up, so I turned to my best IFer friends for their opinions. Lots of yelling at me ensued, and assurances that not only could THEY see a line…their HUSBANDS could see the lines. Man eyes could see the lines. (please note in all this that I DID tell my husband about this, but he doesn’t believe it unless the lines jump off the tests and hit him in the face). I snuck out Sunday and got real tests and peed on one that morning. I couldn’t see a line but when I uploaded the pic, my girls did see one. and so I looked again. and yes, there was a squinter. holy fucking shit….is this for real? The blue dye showed the same line as the day before so I wasn’t sure if they could be trusted..and after all these years of using the good tests, I swear I can see lines on them before they are peed on.

And then Monday…no squinting required. Showed up easily within the time limit. Uhm. WTF????

To say I am shocked is insane. I am beyond flabbergasted. I’m pregnant??? With no medical intervention???? It’s been years since this happened. The only thing I was taking was a prenatal vitamin, nothing fancy like I have taken in years before. I don’t have a doctor in this town. I’ve not even requested my medical records yet. I have no idea when I ovulated for sure, just a best guess based on when we DTD and when I had CM..but I have no idea for sure. The last 6-8 weeks have been so chaotic that I barely managed to track that much. With that said, I feel very pregnant. My symptoms are all here. Water is only my friend at ice cold. My boobs are incredibly painful and already fuller. I am nauseous and starving at the same time. I was dizzy for  most of the morning today. I don’t know how long this will last. I just know I am trying to cherish it for as long as it lasts. I’m going to keep testing until I get a positive digi and then try to step away.

Needless to say, I am keeping this super super quiet. Not going public. Not going on message boards. Nothing. Not until I have a first scan.I’m such a fucking cliche right now. I stopped trying, I quit paying attention, and we ended up fucking pregnant. I have told 3 people other than my husband, and I don’t intend to share it with more ‘real life’ people until Christmas or New Years. Best guess is I am due around 6 August. Please baby bean, stick. We want this miracle so badly.

a positive digi? oh crap, this is feeling real. can I keep my mouth shut?

i’m cramping and spotting. this isn’t going to end well. why the fuck did I hope.

(update tuesday)

A few days after I started this post, my tests started getting lighter and went negative, and finally, I started miscarrying. To say we are devastated is inadequate. Why were we given this miracle for such a short time?  Why did we not get to keep this baby here with us? This pregnancy was conceived against all odds. what does this mean for us now?