silence

9 08 2012

I’ve been quiet over the last 6 weeks. I needed some time to mentally recharge and get my brain going again.

Week 1- hanging out with friends and spending time walking with my friend who was trying to evict her twins.

week 2- 4th of july, and cuddling said friend’s newborn twins.

weeks 3 and 4- vacation in another state. it was nice to go ‘home’ but sucked. everyone was paired off except me. everyone wanted to know when we were going to have kids(most people only know about the ectopic last year and none of our other struggles).

week 5- moping and struggling to cope post vacation.

week 6- starting to find my groove again and get a life once more.

I’ve lost 6 lbs in 6 weeks. it’s not a lot, but hey, a lb is a lb. at this rate, I’ll hit goal #1 at Christmas, lol. We’re 6 weeks or so out from our big cross country move, and I’m nervous but ready for it to happen.

Today I got a sweet facebook message from my friend…let’s call her DingDong(she reads here and will appreciate the irony behind the name). DingDong was letting me know that she’s pregnant..and not just barely pregnant, but almost half baked. She’d found out right as I was starting to cycle this spring, and had held off telling me because of how things went. We’ve talked for years about being pregnant together….and so far have been 4 times, but I’ve just never made it far enough to celebrate it with her.

I am thrilled for DingDong and her family. THRILLED. I’m a little sad, and a little jealous, but the first emotion that came to my mind was pure joy for her. I love this girl to death- she’s been through a lot with me and has been one of my biggest supporters, and I know she’d give just about anything for it to be me pregnant right now and her TTC. My second thought…what to nickname this baby food wise. Long story, but her firstborn is forever going to be nachobaby. Her other two kiddos have their own food nicknames as well. And this little PRINCESS(yes, she FINALLY gets her girl after 3 boys) needs a fun little name of her own.

I just hope next year, I get to be pregnant with Princess’s future best friend, and Nachobaby’s future wife. But even if it takes years, I know DingDong will be there for me, and she’ll be screaming and over the moon when I finally get to hold my own little one.

I’m in a good place mentally right now. It’s not solid, but I finally feel like I’ve waded to the surface of all the shit that has happened in the last year. There’s some perspective, some anger, some peace. I wish I was happier, but I think it’s going to take time. And sadly, I’ve got time to give it.





Kicking myself in gear

27 06 2012

When I was a kid, I could eat anything I wanted and never gain an ounce. I was a twig, and I had no idea that those habits were leading me to future struggle.

Puberty hit, and with istated darted getting curves. By the time I was 14, I was a B cup, and wore a size 6/8 in pants to accommodate my “childbearing hips”, but I was active in soccer and walking all over the place since I couldn’t drive and stayed in decent shape.

In high school, I started to gainweight, but it was nothing that bad. By the time I graduated, I was about 15lbs over mideally weight, and my undiagnosed PCOS and Endo were starting to rear their ugly heads. After a summer on my own, I got engaged that fall and started a campaign to lose 30ish lbs before my wedding a year later. It was the first time in my life that I had to work at my weight. I started weight watchers, and worked out the dorm gym when I could. My college campus was on a hill, with the dorms at top and most my classbottom the bottom. I walked back and forth at least twice a day. I worked 10 miles from school, and while I took the bus and train to and from work, there was still a mile or more to walk between all those things. The summer after that year, I worked for a mega store, in the meat and dairy department. I did some serious heavy lifting, and a lot of walking and running from home to work and back, since my brother wrecked our car the first week of summer and I didn’t want to purchase a vehicle since I was moving overseas at the end of summer.

The day came for my wedding, and I’d lost over 40 lbs. I rocked my dress, and for the first time in my life I felt comfortable in a bikini. But shortly after, the cycle of doom started. I’d done a 3 month cycle of bcp in order to avoid my period for the wedding, and to see if it would help with my unofficially diagnosed endo. We moved to Italy, and I stopped the bcp after having a reaction to it, only 7 weeks in.

By our one year anniversary, I had regained the majority of the weight I had lost for the wedding. I was eating decently, exercising, but struggling with major depression and PCOS issues. That was about the time I was officially diagnosed.

The last 5 years have been the same struggle. Lose weight, gain it back, pregnancy , pregnancy loss. Move somewhere, make friends, friends leave, depression, happy, it’s all the roller coaster.

Last year when we started treatments, I had lost 20 lbs and had probably gained several pounds of muscle. It’s been a pretty shitty year and a downward spiral, including a gain of every pound I had lost and then a few extra.

I have six months where I am not allowing myself to talk about TTC. those months are going to be used to kick my ass into gear. I started back on my hated workouts today in addition to running, and am working on cleaning up my eating habits as well.

Ive always wanted to be fit when pregnant, and while 6 months work probably won’t get me to my goal, it will get me a lot closer than I am now. I don’t intend to post exact numbers, but I might post pictures after I hit my first goal.

 

Anyone else out there trying to stay fit or get fit while doing the whole TTC thing? Any interest in a weekly fitness roundup? Or challenges? I’d love to hear from you guys with advice!