Emerging from the silence

20 04 2014

Hi. it’s been a long time.

I’ve had things I wanted to say here, but I wasn’t ready to say them.

Life has had some rollercoasters. People I thought were friends proved to be the ones I should have stayed furthest away from. Those I was wary of were the ones I connected most with. People found this blog that I didn’t want reading it.

It kept me from using my voice to share my story.

It left me feeling alone.

But the desire to come back has been strong.

I’m not hiding.

I’m staying private, but this is ME. This is my space. If you don’t like what I say here, then you shouldn’t be here.

Things are going to be intermittent as I tell the stories I want to tell, as I share the things that have happened in the last year.

My voice wants to be heard. My babies need their stories told, however short it is.

And I need some place where I belong, and that is here, as part of this community.

I’m back. Deal with it.





summary…

11 06 2013

<a summary of the past 6 months, because I don’t feel like publishing all 50+ posts I have in draft form as password protected.>

In December, I had just miscarried after a shocking natural bfp. While I was miscarrying, I got the flu, horrifically. I spent almost 3 weeks miserable in bed after meds and everything, just completely exhausted. Influenza is no joke.

We knew we wanted to ttc again but weren’t going to really try anything. no opk’s, nada…just pretending we were naive and innocent people. We figured come spring we’d try again and hope for a late fall due date. We went home to visit in january for a few weeks and since we were staying with family, didn’t really have much of a chance to dtd much less think about ttc. We got back to where we live supe.rbowl weekend and I tested just so that I could have a few drinks without worry. It was positive. 3 weeks later I miscarried again, days before my pren.atal appointment. and then that weekend my friend lost her sweet baby that I posted about.

Needless to say I was a completely and emotional wreck. As much as I desperately wanted to be pregnant and have a baby, emotionally I was in a place where I just could  not handle the thought of TTC. We avoided for my march cycle and then DH convinced me to try again in April. However my body was beyond fucked up with stress and hormones, so it took forever for me to O. I wasn’t even sure if I had ever O’d and was thinking it would be an anovulatory cycle.

Nope. Mother’s Day brought a faint BFP. The next day it was darker. One beta was good..the second not so good. I miscarried less than a week later. At that point DH said enough. We either had to be done TTC naturally or I had to be willing to go back to the RE. I can’t be done, so I guess we are heading back to the RE.

However, I’m not willing to do IUI’s right now. I just can’t spend that kind of money for now. I’d love it if they’d give me meds to ovulate, a trigger shot, and progesterone, and tell me to come in for bloodwork and monitoring. Let me do what I want please…but I’m not hopeful. I think we’ll start in July..just depends on when we can get in to the RE.





so. uhm. hi.

10 06 2013

I’m still alive. still ttc. still being shit on by the universe.

a lot has happened in the months since I last really posted. a lot has changed. I’m not sure this space is my happy place or safe space anymore.

i don’t know what to do in this space.

do I share and know that people who I don’t necessarily trust are reading it?

do I leave it be and just let it die until they forget?

do i blog behind a password?

i don’t know what to do. after 6 months away, i have things i want to say. things i want to get out before i forget. but i don’t know what to do anymore.





Why does the universe constantly shit on good people?

6 03 2013

Warning: loss mentioned. Please don’t scroll down if you can’t handle it.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Sometimes, the world just can’t catch a break.

This story starts way back in 2007 or so, when I joined a message board and found the “waiting to try to conceive” group and joined since my husband was currently gone. There I met some incredible women. As time passed by, we moved from WTTC to being WTTC grads. Some of the group welcomed their first babies, and others of us continued to try for our own. Fast forward a few years, and we moved over to Facebook, a group of 50 women strong.

One of our sweet members, Lauren, and her husband have been through so much. Multiple miscarriage, POF, a failed IVF cycle, and then last year they moved to adoption. They were matched with a birth mother, attended all her appointments, and were there when their daughter was born. 11 days later, the adoption was contested, and they had to return their daughter to her birth mother.

In a twist of fate and miracles, that same week, miraculously and naturally, they found out they were pregnant, completely unexpectedly. As time went on and the pregnancy went well, we all grew to hope that finally this family was getting their happy ending.

Lauren’s due date was this week, and on Monday, sweet baby Rhiannon was born sleeping. Their happy ending has ended in a complete nightmare. Life is just not fair.





Coping….

30 12 2012

This Christmas was rough. Right after I wrote my last post, I got horribly sick. I was feeling fine on Monday, woke up on Tuesday feeling like I had a cold, and then Wednesday I woke up with a fever of 103 on meds and wanted to die. 7 hrs in the ER later, I got a diagnosis of Infl.uenza type A. Yuck.

Going over my personal history was so much fun(heavy sarcasm noted). Never before have I hated the questions of  “when was your last period” and “is there any chance you could be pregnant” so much, especially considering the fact that I was bleeding like crazy and every time I coughed it made it worse.

I don’t know where we go now. I don’t know what we can cope with anymore. We’re looking at natural meds but still planning on getting a referral done after our trip home soon.

I know this post is kind of rambling. and kind of not clearly stated. but I don’t know if I trust a certain person anymore with regards to reading my blog. and I just don’t know what I want to share publicly right now. But I don’t want everything to be password protected.

 

So yeah. thats where we stand. back in limbo. back to missing all our angel babies. back to feeling like life fucking sucks.





Say what?

4 12 2012

This post was written over a week or so.

(monday night)
This has been an extremely strange couple of months, reproductive wise.

Late September AF showed up(the day we moved, actually) and was horrendous. Like, change the ta.mpon and p.ad every hour bad. End of October, I started spotting. and spotting. and spotting. AF finally showed on November 1 but lasted forever(10 days of heavy bleeding but hardly any cramping).

I started feeling weird at the beginning of Tha.nksg.iving week, figured it was the flu or something from all the stress we had going on, but just ignored it. By the day after turkey day, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I wasn’t getting sicker, just feeling off still- water was giving me hea.rtburn, etc. I felt like I have when I was pre.gnant, but considering the odds of us conceiving on our own are less than my odds of winning the lottery, I just assumed it was all in my head. I started looking for my stash of pee sticks so I could follow rule #1 of infertility: As soon as an IFer pees on an expensive stick, their symptoms disappear along with the BFN and AF shows up moments later. I couldn’t find any, so I picked up a box of store brand tests when running errands that Sat.urday. I just peed on one as soon as I got home, since I was following rule #1.
But this happened:

To say I was in disbelief is the understatement of the century. I hate blue dye tests and hadn’t realized I had picked them up, so I turned to my best IFer friends for their opinions. Lots of yelling at me ensued, and assurances that not only could THEY see a line…their HUSBANDS could see the lines. Man eyes could see the lines. (please note in all this that I DID tell my husband about this, but he doesn’t believe it unless the lines jump off the tests and hit him in the face). I snuck out Sunday and got real tests and peed on one that morning. I couldn’t see a line but when I uploaded the pic, my girls did see one. and so I looked again. and yes, there was a squinter. holy fucking shit….is this for real? The blue dye showed the same line as the day before so I wasn’t sure if they could be trusted..and after all these years of using the good tests, I swear I can see lines on them before they are peed on.

And then Monday…no squinting required. Showed up easily within the time limit. Uhm. WTF????

To say I am shocked is insane. I am beyond flabbergasted. I’m pregnant??? With no medical intervention???? It’s been years since this happened. The only thing I was taking was a prenatal vitamin, nothing fancy like I have taken in years before. I don’t have a doctor in this town. I’ve not even requested my medical records yet. I have no idea when I ovulated for sure, just a best guess based on when we DTD and when I had CM..but I have no idea for sure. The last 6-8 weeks have been so chaotic that I barely managed to track that much. With that said, I feel very pregnant. My symptoms are all here. Water is only my friend at ice cold. My boobs are incredibly painful and already fuller. I am nauseous and starving at the same time. I was dizzy for  most of the morning today. I don’t know how long this will last. I just know I am trying to cherish it for as long as it lasts. I’m going to keep testing until I get a positive digi and then try to step away.

Needless to say, I am keeping this super super quiet. Not going public. Not going on message boards. Nothing. Not until I have a first scan.I’m such a fucking cliche right now. I stopped trying, I quit paying attention, and we ended up fucking pregnant. I have told 3 people other than my husband, and I don’t intend to share it with more ‘real life’ people until Christmas or New Years. Best guess is I am due around 6 August. Please baby bean, stick. We want this miracle so badly.

(tuesday)
a positive digi? oh crap, this is feeling real. can I keep my mouth shut?

(Wednesday)
i’m cramping and spotting. this isn’t going to end well. why the fuck did I hope.

(update tuesday)

A few days after I started this post, my tests started getting lighter and went negative, and finally, I started miscarrying. To say we are devastated is inadequate. Why were we given this miracle for such a short time?  Why did we not get to keep this baby here with us? This pregnancy was conceived against all odds. what does this mean for us now?





too many angels on my tree

4 12 2012

every year at ch.ristmas, we add new ornam.ents to our tree. ones that represent what we did that year, and milestones that have occurred. Every single pregnancy has its own ornam.ent on our tree. We have stars to represent the struggles we went through in the early years, and in the last few years have moved to adding angels for our struggles instead. We got lace angels for our two pregnancies in 2011, because they were precious, special, and unique-just like handmade lace. This year we picked out a metal angel for the pregnancy we lost in the summer, because it was a defining moment for us in our loss and journey.

today, we added a pair of ceramic angel wings to our tree.

there are too many angels on my tree. please, please, next year let me be holding a baby in my arms instead of adding more angels to our tree. I’m not sure we can handle any more. I just don’t know that we can do it.